I’m embarrassed and a little anxious to admit that I waste too much valuable time on negative self talk and reactive arguing with my family. Terrible. I NEED to be right. I NEED to be validated. I NEED to know that I count. I know this stems from years of low self esteem. I have spent a lot of time competing for attention and tolerating the worst of it just to remain guarded and feel safe in my own skin.
I question myself at nauseum. Did I say the right thing? Did my facial expression reveal my inner thoughts? Do I look professional? Am I too casual? Did anyone notice me swearing?
Then there are the shouldn’t-s. You shouldn’t have said that, ate that, bought that, texted that, worn that, tolerated that. You shouldn’t have waved at that person. You shouldn’t laugh so loud.
Being distracted by personal negativity often keeps me from seeing the good stuff that’s happening all around. I miss too many moments that could be GREAT because ALL MY PARTS are too loud and I can’t hear the voice of calm and wellness. I even forget about my faith – and that’s something. I believe in God’s steadfast presence in me and in ALL, yet I let my fear of abandonment win out over my desire to love. When someone I care about tries to get me to knock it off, I waste even MORE time fighting with them. It’s such a miserable waste of time to be closed off to being, feeling, and living happy and well.
I hope we all remember our innate and divine worth and rise above our human crap to live openly and compassionately with others as well as with ourselves. Chin up.
Nuanced Niddy 
You have many struggles to deal with and you should value your strength to deal with them. I also have dealt with depression and lack of self worth and soldiered against it until I finally got some medication which has helped. Now that I am older in years, I care less about what people think:) I try to keep a gratitude journal (both written and in my head) which reminds me that God has blessed me with so much from my humble beginnings. If you try to dwell more on all the positive aspects of your being that God has granted you … you realize you have so much to offer!
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Thanks Linda. Amidst everything there is always some good. It takes practice to see it and to stop assuming everyone is judging you.
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I told my congregation today “You are of more value than many sparrows.” I said it a number of times. I hope some day to really believe it for myself.
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And God counts all the hairs on your head (or lack there of) are all precious, John. Believing it is is the tricky part.
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