Mental Wellness

Moody Mess

😊😬😐😔😪😶

At my monthly check in with my psychiatrist, I told him that my mood has actually been OKAY for a while. It WAS true. I saw him while I was still riding a wave of adrenaline after a surprisingly positive weekend among the people of the church I minister to. 

With all my mood and personality disorders and my frequent depression, it is really something when I wholeheartedly feel hope, love  and connection with them. Having a good, relaxed time socially is always a challenge. But I was feeling it.

Maybe it’s because my ‘Mommy senses’ tingled when I held the new grandson of parishioners who are integral to our faith family. A measure of their joy rubbed off on me and I am still so thankful.

Yeah!  I held a perfect bundle of baby in my arms! I have longed for the pre-pandemic ease in which our interactions with the most vulnerable among us were not blanketed in fear. What a gift to count his tiny fingers and toes, to feel the warmth and weight of him and to marvel, to bask in the created perfection on my lap! God is good.

This was at a summer social so graciously hosted by members at their home.  The sound of the giant Jenga blocks falling, the giggles echoing, the joy and exuberance of the children diving, somersaulting, and splashing in the pool.  The watery trails of drips that followed them to their towels and snacks was nostalgic of when my own kids were small.  I found it deeply satisfying to witness.

Sitting together with leisurely chatting, roasting marshmallows singing together around a fire, not to mention the perfect weather was just fantastic! God is good.

The next day followed with our Cemetery Decoration service. I was overcome by the turnout and hospitality shown to the bereaved. The mingling of relaxed laughter and vulnerable,  unhidden tears was breathtaking.

How the sun, the breeze, the great outdoors, so comfortably provided us with a fittingly natural cathedral to do the work of remembering together. We stood on the holy ground of grief and faith together. Our church family graciously helping one another, teaming up to unpack an unrehearsed, gorgeously human service full of organic, heart felt love and tenderness. God is good.

So WHY, as I rode to my appointment did that familiar nagging ache of sadness and hopelessness clutch at my gut?  Believing in God’s love for me and the goodness so evident around me DOES NOT fix my mental health.

It’s weird, but after each high, I seem to go right into a low. I came home from that appointment and sucked back my extra pills that are designed to curb the nagging feeling.

It doesn’t negate the wonderful feelings of the weekend but it does stir up anger and questions I’d rather not dwell on.

Onward and upward.

You’re not alone.

, ,

Self-Care or Self-Sabotage?

How do you practice self-care?

Five years ago, I actually had time to focus on my self-care. It was great, except I was on medical leave to recover from ‘continuing to work’ for a year after being diagnosed with a kind of liver disease related to toxemia.

The year I spent working after the fresh diagnosis was the beginning of a huge mental breakdown. I lost 100 lbs while restricting food in order to lose weight for the sake of my liver.

By the time I agreed to medical leave, I’d become a shadow of myself. While on leave, I was required to seek much needed help from the psychiatrist I still see today for my ever-looming battle with disordered eating and severe episodes of depression.

So, I set out on a six month journey of self-care. I walked the dog every day. I took time to eat healthy foods. I started daily yoga. A fitness guru friend trained me to lift weights every 3 days. I spent time enjoying reading. I spent a lot of time outdoors. It was Super Duper FANTASTIC.

When I returned to work I WAS much healthier. I wanted to continue keeping my self-care routines. I was DEDICATED.

There is a line between self-care and self-sabotage. I didn’t have time to do ALL the lovely and soul- nurturing THINGS. Self-care became a CHORE. It was another impossible box to check. It sent me spinning.

We need to be attentive to our bodies and our thoughts. Pushing ourselves to fit everything in is not helpful. So, now, I’m learning to be accepting and comfortable with my inability to do it all. I can do that sometimes when I stop and breathe and notice all that my senses are experiencing.

The Angst of Self Worth

Daily writing prompt
How do you waste the most time every day?
View all responses

I’m embarrassed and a little anxious to admit that I waste too much valuable time on negative self talk and reactive arguing with my family. Terrible. I NEED to be right. I NEED to be validated. I NEED to know that I count. I know this stems from years of low self esteem. I have spent a lot of time competing for attention and tolerating the worst of it just to remain guarded and feel safe in my own skin.

I question myself at nauseum. Did I say the right thing? Did my facial expression reveal my inner thoughts? Do I look professional? Am I too casual? Did anyone notice me swearing?

Then there are the shouldn’t-s. You shouldn’t have said that, ate that, bought that, texted that, worn that, tolerated that. You shouldn’t have waved at that person. You shouldn’t laugh so loud.

Being distracted by personal negativity often keeps me from seeing the good stuff that’s happening all around. I miss too many moments that could be GREAT because ALL MY PARTS are too loud and I can’t hear the voice of calm and wellness. I even forget about my faith – and that’s something. I believe in God’s steadfast presence in me and in ALL, yet I let my fear of abandonment win out over my desire to love. When someone I care about tries to get me to knock it off, I waste even MORE time fighting with them. It’s such a miserable waste of time to be closed off to being, feeling, and living happy and well.

I hope we all remember our innate and divine worth and rise above our human crap to live openly and compassionately with others as well as with ourselves. Chin up.

My little ponies – mental magic

My daughters and I have been volunteering at Poppy’s Haven, a Newfoundland Pony farm near us. In our day to day living, the girls and I are all kinds of anxious. The younger of my twins was turned away from high school because there were no feasible accommodations to help her cope. Tacked onto a long list of diagnosis’ is her Selective Mutism. I think that’s a misnomer. It should be called Situational Mutism. She becomes physically unable to speak when she anticipates that someone – especially adults – might expect her to do something that she finds threatening. Over the years she has improved a few baby steps.

The ponies are a huge boost to her well being (and mine). Both girls (they’re 19) smile large and breathe deeply while they groom the ponies with soothing, rhythmic motion. Instead of stimming, they touch the textures that are ALL HORSEY and feel the goodness of the moment. The ponies are very receptive and interactive. They nudge, and listen, and ignore with so much personality. It’s just a delight. Today the girls had the ponies out to play friendly games – games to help ready the ponies to accept riders without being spooked. Taking the lead of an 800lb animal and having it listen to you is an ENORMOUS self esteem builder. I am so profoundly overcome to hear my daughter speak to the owner, who is as gentle and kind as the ponies. We are truly blessed to have this opportunity in our lives. Ponies, dogs, gerbils – they are all creatures with calming abilities. You can feel their unconditional acceptance of you and all of your quirks. It’s been a good day. God is good.

Yikes!

What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I wasn’t expecting such a hard daily prompt question. I usually spend time beating myself up and handing out smiles. Life is tough. I guess I like that I’ve always managed to rise above the challenges – from being broke to recovering from disease and mental health setbacks. I’ll have to think on this more.

Hello World!

I turned 50 last September which means a year has almost passed since that milestone. I had plans to transform into my very BEST self by this time. I have not. A creative outlet is always good. I like reading, but ever since I got these stupid trifocals, it’s hard. You have to hold the book or tablet practically right under your nose to be able to see it clearly. Cheater glasses, just for reading, do work, but I think they are the cause of some of my headaches. So, I’m not exactly poring over reading material the way I used to. Anyway, I’m pretty good at talking about myself and looking for attention. Don’t be alarmed. I’m medicated and in regular therapy. Mental health is a real bugger.

I’ve always been terrible at keeping a journal. I start and stop a million times. Since I’m paying for this blog, I figure it will encourage me to check in more often. I LOVE writing – I AM a minister, after all. I write at least one sermon (well researched speech about faith) every week. But this is for me, and for you if you want to follow my reflections and my mindfulness journey. My family and I are long suffering and do our best to DO OUR BEST.

My daughter and I walked our dog this morning. It’s a beautiful day and the sun is out. The best moment was passing by a yard with a very visible garden. What a wonderful realization that I am not alone. Their garden looked at least as overgrown as my flower beds. Yes! Solidarity feels way healthier than humiliation.