My pastor father always waited until Christmas Eve to ALLOW Christmas music. On that long-awaited night, singing Christmas carols brought an uncontainable BURST of joy. At home, once we were tucked into bed, my parents would ‘play Santa’. We knew the GAME had begun when the sweet voices of the Medical Mission Sisters reached our bedrooms.
I CAN’T wait until Christmas anymore. Years ago, I searched out, “Gold, Incense, and Myrrh” on CD. I listen to it as soon as the Advent season begins. My favorite song from the album is based on Isaiah 35: 1-10. The chorus is balm to my heart in ANY season.
“Strengthen all the weary hands, steady all the trembling knees. Say to all faint hearts ‘take courage’, for he comes the Prince of Peace.”
THIS is the blessing I pray reaches each of you, especially during this time of preparation and through Christmastide. It is a very difficult time of year for all who are experiencing any kind of loss. Anxiety related to health and financial security is augmented by seasonal expectations. Broken relationships sting. Loss associated with unrealized dreams, the absence of loved ones, especially due to the gaping pain of death and grief, EACH surface bittersweet emotions that are particularly deep during times that emphasize family and happiness.
As we wait for the Advent, the coming of Christ, which we recognize in the growing light of our Christmas preparations, I encourage you to be EXTRA kind to yourself. Relish in all the small ways the joy of Christmas touches you. You can give yourself permission to listen to your heart. Although pressure to DO things or FEEL ways that you don’t or CAN’T will surely arise, be gentle with yourself and make choices that bring you the most peace. It is FOR YOU, for all your beautiful and sacred humanity, for your hurts and your hopes, that Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, is born. Lean on this wonderful Counselor, the very Prince of eternal peace, to strengthen you and bring you courage this Christmas and always.
The Friday before the New 2024 Year celebration was the twelfth and FINAL day of Christmas. The following Sunday was the Epiphany, commemorating the arrival of distinguished foreigners from the East, who were WISE in watching the sky and attuned to ancient prophecy. They made it to Bethlehem, where they finally set eyes on the child whose birth was signaled by the appearance of a PECULIAR star. The star remained and burned brightly above the infant Jesus. A sign of wonder to behold.
Although Christmastide has ended it is still the season after Epiphany – a season of revelation and discovery before we delve into observing Christ’s road to a cross, a story of suffering and salvation through him.
For a while now, I’ve been reflecting on the entirety of the yuletide season. As I’ve gotten a LITTLE older, I am learning to accept that nothing EVER goes exactly as planned. Personally, Christmas has never really been the same since my brother’s 2012, November passing.
Each year, as I begin to pull out our Christmas decorations, I think about HIS funeral because it corresponds with THAT TIME. We were in Orleans, Ontario at the Lutheran Church of the Resurrection. The WHOLE chancel area behind the altar, the focal point of the worship service, is surrounded by floor to ceiling clear WINDOWS. It felt like we were sitting outside among the trees.
As my Pastor father preached it began to snow the FIRST snow of the season. It wasn’t a gentle, slow, large flaked, magical snowfall, rather, it blew VIOLENTLY, harder and harder as my father spoke, as if God was making a nod to my brother’s adventurous and turbulent spirit, a final, gusty and powerful leave- taking. It FELT like my brother’s spirit was WITH us. It STILL FEELS LIKE his spirit is WITH us. I’ve heard countless stories of felt presence of loved ones passed – butterflies, cardinals, feathers, unexpected items reappearing from nowhere. And WHY NOT? The spirit that dwells in each of us is ETERNAL. Signs and wonders to behold.
The STAR at Jesus’ birth was a sign pointing to the wonder of God’s PRESENCE born among us. This SAME presence is ALWAYS with us. That’s what Jesus promises. We are never alone. The Holy Spirit fills us, teaches us, accompanies us, and guides us. The spirit dwells IN us. Christmas tends to heighten my awareness of Christ’s indwelling, the Holy Spirit that fans the flame of my soul, and is part of my Christ-mind, my inner Godspark.
Two thousand years ago, John the Baptist, who was renowned for his preaching, and later for preparing the world for the expected Messiah, baptized people with WATER a sign of REPENTANCE. John encouraged people to look their sin in the eye and make the CHOICE to grow past it.
To repent, in Christian terms, means to intentionally change your mind and turn around, to head in a NEW direction that contributes to an ever better and more intimate relationship with God. For me, this suggests choosing to notice the voice of the Holy Spirit calling to me from WITHIN myself.
Christians believe that during baptism the extraordinary Holy Spirit enters into ordinary water and washes all our sins away with a promise that we are God’s children, adopted to continue the work of Christ in God’s ongoing creation, and that we will be forgiven whenever we repent and turn to God in truth and hope.
We consider baptism a divine gift. Not everyone has the OPPORTUNITY or the WILL to receive this gift. Not everyone who IS baptized recognizes or chooses to unwrap and embrace the indwelling quality of the Holy Spirit. Life itself comes from being FILLED with the breath, the holy wind, the Spirit of God. It’s what ANIMATES us at the moment of our creation. The presence of the Holy Spirit is NATURALLY in ALL of us, baptized or not. Baptism can give us the special ability and the will to seek and perpetuate our own sacred origins.
What animates YOU? What do you equate with signs of divine sparks dwelling in you? The Spirit burns from within. Sometimes we feel the urgency. Sometimes we simply see the glow and feel the WARMTH.
In spite of all the things that didn’t happen the way they were planned this Christmas- Jesus’ paradise approaches. It GLIMMERS. The Holy Spirit keeps on showing up. That warm, loving, energized feeling of hope BURSTING forth from our own inner depths – awakened countless times in me over the last month or so.
When sharing a meal, my son carefully cut a piece of lemon meringue pie for my neurodiverse daughter, who lives with MANY challenges. He gently invited her to try to pick it up and put it on her plate because, “I really think you can do it yourself. It’s all lined up. Give it a try. Here’s a good fork. I’ll standby in case you need help.” And she DID IT! My son empowered her with KINDNESS. The magnitude of this moment may escape you but it overwhelms ME with spiritual glimmers of gratitude, hope, love and even joy. Into THIS mother’s arguing, disappointed, shame filled and exhausted heart, the Spirit WELLS up and whispers something new. A NEW dawn on a familiar journey. The WILL to keep going. It changes everything from the inside out.
At my church, it was the first time since Christmas 2019 that Christmas Eve service was in person or not stormed out. A flush of gladness swept through me at the sight of a full church, families united, children now grown, and hushed Candlelight.
These moments of CONNECTION, belonging, familiarity – that’s the Spirit pulling us together HEART to HEART. When we see the dignity of one another- that IS divine recognition from within. Signs of wonder. They refresh us.
In the year ahead, we can embrace a little bit of the freshness of something new. We are gathered together and brooded over in HOLY ways we cannot understand. The sacred moves US to create hope in ways we cannot understand.
We are the holy undivided family that encommpasses the whole of creation. We come from the same source, we BELONG to one another. How will we reach out to help others move away from lives of falseness, hate, and hurt and be restored to the way of truth and love? How will we invite them into repentance, reparation, and reconciliation? How will we work together to create a future based on mutual care, liberty and justice? Can we listen to one another with LOVE this year? I think that renewal, the opening of hearts to the divine, IS the WAY to restore ALL parts of the Creator’s beloved community. Can we remember that we are still washed in STARSHINE, born from unfathomable POWER and filled with holy light that SHINES ever brighter as we SHARE it? I hope this year that YOU will behold the signs and wonders of divine love that shine brightly and eternally. Check out the night sky and watch the hidden tenderness of humanity. Signs and wonders ARE everywhere.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
My Dad used to say I was happiest when I was miserable. I’m NOT saying he was right, but maybe I am MORE comfortable in the FAMILIAR terrain of misery than I am in unfettered happiness. It IS a TASK to ALWAYS be on guard, trying to present an acceptable picture of myself and my family – ESPECIALLY during the holidays. The inner struggle to appear conventional and meet social standards is MORE exhausting than surrender. But it’s how I roll.
I’ve already hoisted the drawbridge and covered the peek holes. I’m determined to balk the barrage of uninvited speculation that I already IMAGINE is heading my way. This is a classic defense mechanism. WALL UP. My counter attack is being RESENTFUL and DEFENSIVE. Isn’t that precious?
It’s NOT what some may think. I do LOVE and cherish connecting with family, friends, and my parishioners during the Holy weeks of Christmastide. It’s my OWN preconception that I’m being judged, being deemed unacceptable or somehow insufficient, that DOES ME IN.
I hope I don’t come off as being full of myself or conceited – I NEED others to LIKE me and AFFIRM me CONSTANTLY. But are people REALLY looking THAT closely? I am mortified by any HINT of disapproval that I expect from others as they survey the chaos of my life, my parenting, my marriage. I cross my fingers and hope they know that we are UNIQUE. There’s nothing wrong with being unique! You can’t equate apples to oranges or sugar plums to lemons, right?
Stopping the bombardment of GUILT and negativity is difficult territory, especially for people like me who have just ENOUGH self doubt to REALLY engage in a battle between personal truth and conjecture.
The ANNUAL Christmas FAILURES began a couple Sundays ago. I forgot to charge the phone used to record our church services and WILDLY ran home in a panic (across the street) to rip the charger away from my unsuspecting daughter in order to give the device 15 minutes of JUICE before the ushers would come looking for it.
I’d totally forgotten about flowers that had been tucked into the fridge. DEAD funeral flowers are NO JOKE. Especially since they were saved to honour a church matriarch one last time. ALL the FEELINGS. I gave the ushers the WRONG hymn numbers to post, causing mayhem.
I forgot to remind someone to light the altar candles, so they were lit WELL into the service. One child asked if she could be EXCUSED from MY children’s message. How cute.
My sermon was long-winded and I could see people drifting. The stole I wear, symbolizing the heavy yoke of Christ as he carried the cross kept slipping off my shoulders until I got SO annoyed that I whipped it OFF and threw it on my chair. I was out of breath. After service, when the robe came off and I was walking through the hallway, I found that my fly was UNDONE.
At coffee hour I noticed the unwoven ends of my sweater HANGING out. It was a sweater I made – screaming out a message of my CLEAR incompetency. Hmm. Unwoven ends. I like that as a metaphor.
Later that day the local churches were having a live Nativity with REAL animals and costumed kids acting out the Christmas story. I was in charge. My help couldn’t make it. LOTS of people dropped out sick. SO – LAST minute EVERYTHING. Me and my new volunteer helper ended up as part of the costumed troupe. We were standing next to our little holy family, she an angel and me a shepherd, directly BEHIND the rear end of a cow. We were in REAL danger of getting pooed on the WHOLE time. I swore under my breath hoping no one could hear me and I wouldn’t be struck down. That day required extra anxiety pills and MULTIPLE pep talks.
Shortly after this I became ill (SURPRISE!) and had no choice but to ASK for help to finish up pre-Christmas visits and cheer basket deliveries. I didn’t JUST feel judged. I felt GUILTY and ANGRY at myself and anyone who dared say a word about it.
Shame, Shame, SHAME.
It continues at home.
We spend a small FORTUNE on vet bills – so what’s happening? What am I doing WRONG? In a matter of days, the cat started puking, UNNATURALLY, and repeatedly and our old dog started to veer OFF the tracks and was acting FUNNY. Is that ICH disease on the angel fish? WHY is there blood in the guinea pig cage? The gerbils attacked and wounded each other AGAIN. The giant snail retracted into its shell, is it dying? Is it dead? I dunno. It really looks kinda dead…
Everyday I fight with myself about all the ‘SHOULDS’ my teens would need to meet in order to fit into the social norm of their age groups. For instance, they should
-be done school by now
-drive
-socialize
-know life skills
-be practicing life skills
-be working
-be cleaning, helping, doing little things for themselves
-wear typical clothing, or at least something more than pajamas
-go to church (mine)
-be confirmed (me again)
-have FAITH (again, this one is my hang up)
-understand the value of money – everything is NOT disposable
-see doctors, dentists, hairdressers by their OWN volition
Although I DON’T necessarily AGREE with everything on this list, being AWARE this list exists is a crushing blow to my mothering skills.
SPEAKING of SHAME, my children Should NOT
-See my husband and I fighting or hear us shouting
-Know our debt, or our problems
-Parent us
-Mediate between us
HUMILIATING.
I have plenty of reasons to stay AWAY from family gatherings.
Our kids DON’T have proper attire for church, sleep, winter, or even daytime. We can’t afford it (due to our insane pet related bills! They eat BETTER and have better health care than we do!)
The animals are impossible to care for when traveling. I have FEELINGS about asking anyone to pet sit for us.
Our Truck is too SMALL for us. But it’s what we have.
We can’t take the Trailer because it is STILL in disrepair.
We can’t have people OVER because we CAN’T hire a housekeeper, because we CAN’T get the house in order WELL enough to let someone ELSE try.
Everything is broken or garbage. Our refrigerator and pantry are gambles I suggest you DON’T take.
Andy and I don’t get enough sleep or enough time alone.
All this self-assumed inadequacy wreaks havoc on our family’s
Mental health. Anxiety, Anger. Impatience. Poor communication. It all LEADS to feeling belittled and unheard, blaming and resentment. A TOXIC cocktail of pain and disgust. I dissociate. I binge. I shut down and shut out. We ALL have our own crutches.
Tis’ the season. I read somewhere that animals NEED winter in order to rejuvenate, heal, and grow, many in the darkness of hibernation or brumation. It said something about how people could EMBRACE this time too. To dismiss the distractions of the bright light. We winter by hunkering down. We are drawn to warm blankets, hot drinks and cozy fires. It CAN be a time to dig deep. To REFLECT on the past and look forward to the potential of the future. It is a time for REST and for waiting.
Sometimes I wonder what God was up to ordaining the likes of me to share the good news of God’s new and growing creation. To preach about the goodness of life and the power of humility and love. To take YOUR hand, give it a squeeze and remind YOU that you are NOT alone.
God is with us NOW just as God has ALWAYS been. We remember the dark, dank, messy birth of Jesus, Mary’s resolve, strength, and resilience, Joseph’s humility, patience and love of God.
In the midst of guilt, shame, and complicated human relationships, Jesus was born. Our brains and bodies belong to God who KNOWS us and LOVES us and CELEBRATES our UNIQUENESS and our SACREDNESS. No problem is TOO big, no hurt TOO overwhelming that God will abandon you. I know this to be TRUE because God has walked beside me through all the corners of HELL.
I hope that this year we will walk together somewhere more pleasant.
Misery loves company because the company of misery is God.
Nuanced Niddy 