meditation

“SHOULD” is a dirty word.

My psychiatrist thinks Thursday is my day OFF, but it’s not.  I like how happy it makes HIM to think I follow such a healthy routine, so I don’t correct him. Truthfully, I don’t have a consistent day set ASIDE to rest.  There is NO time to rest, even if I’m NOT working.  

Keeping up with all my mindfulness tasks is a JOB in and of itself – yoga, meditation, listening to music and podcasts, reading, dog walking, fresh air, sunshine, volunteering with ponies, seeing friends and extended family, or even just calling them, writing, crocheting, playing guitar, drawing, EVEN praying – crammed all together in a day or two ARE work.  Add housekeeping and family management to that and I’m DONE.  Actual work at my JOB can be a welcome distraction from my self-improvement schedule and home life.

Sometimes I fall prey to the jaws of my own anxiety and feelings of guilt.  The SHOULDS begin to PROD at me even when I’m trying so hard to ignore them.  You should be working, they nag. You SHOULD be at the office, there’s so much to organize, so much to prepare, so many calls you COULD make.  It’s a nice day, you SHOULD walk around the village and visit ALL your parishioners.  They’d appreciate it.  You should go NOW. Isn’t so and so due for surgery?  Didn’t somebody just have a bad fall?  What about checking in with so and so’s recent widow? Isn’t there a get together, an event, a cause you SHOULD be supporting?  You should be MORE involved in the community.  There’s still half a day left – GO to the coffee shop, the community center, the park.  Be visible.  Be AVAILABLE.  It’s good for you.  People need YOU, Nadine! They are hard pressed for SOMEONE to minister to them.  Get off your self-absorbed butt and get to work!

No?  Well then, at LEAST mow the lawn, weed the flowerbeds, sweep the deck, do the dishes, do the laundry, prepare the recycling, take out the garbage, get the mail, scrub the floor, clean out the fridge.  I never dust.  My conscience has NOTHING to say about dust.

I’m dialing back on one of my antidepressant medications.  It’s going great. Gosh I’m edgy.  EVERY feeling is augmented.  Shame is ugly.  I COULD blame my meds.  That’s what I’ll tell my therapist.  Oh- those meds!  They wreak havoc on everything ‘MINE’.  

Rosie KNOWS the truth.  She’s the pony who listened to ALL my bull yesterday.  She could tell I was uncomfortable in my own skin – getting too close to touching my OWN rawness.  Deep in a pit of self-judgement and loathing.  Her eyes held me.  I got lost in her gaze.  She trained me up ‘real good’.  It wasn’t a calm day at the farm and the horses were startling easily.  

But Rosie overcame that.  I can’t take ANY credit because I was a mess.  First, as per usual, she gave me a hassle on our promenade to the arena.  She didn’t WANT to stand where I asked. She KNOWS that she can easily OUT LEAD me. But something shifted.  After rubbing her itchy bum on the support beam, she urged ME to groom her.  She let ME lean in, scratch her ears and murmur at her. She was STILL.  She was PATIENT (she’s usually sassy).  When I turned away SHE stepped toward me, put HER nose on my shoulder, she coaxed me to ENJOY her contact, she nuzzled and listened to me breathe out. She was so EMPATHETIC and KIND. Thank God for her.

Today the SHOULDS are still bugging me.  I’m mostly ready for Sunday.  I’m procrastinating though.  This is PRIME sermon writing time.  The scripture readings are about taking time for rest, for Sabbath restoration and healing.  Jesus says the commandment about keeping the Sabbath is a gift for US.  GOD DOESN’T NEED REST.  But God knows that WE DO.  

In a few days my edginess will dissipate.  I’ll settle down.  The shoulds won’t be so LOUD.  Let the Spirit fill your troubled heart with the same empathy and kindness I found in my pony friend.  Medication or not, it WILL see you through the rough patches and bolster your tender heart for every tomorrow. 

Labyrinth Liberty

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.”

Psalm 16:10a

Despite the cold and the rain, I was invited to step OUTSIDE to walk the well- storied labyrinth of my afternoon companion, and, like signing a COSMIC GUEST book,  place a stone of MY choosing along the spiraling path.

I LOVE that it was raining. My hands were muddied by the ROCK I’d picked from the yard. (Also from the wet, dirty frisby which the DOG OF THE MANOR kept pushing into my thigh!  Attention ME!) 

My glasses were SPRINKLED with rain drops. To QUOTE Taylor Swift, my hair had gone “back to its FACTORY settings”. (She’s GOOD with words.  I like that.)  My host started at the MOUTH of the labyrinth, walking  ahead of me to show me how it was done.  

She has lovingly built and added to her original labyrinth with CARE and REVERENCE over several years.  I believe the meaning it holds for HER and her personal ENERGY causes the labyrinth ITSELF to vibrate with a feeling of transcendence.  It is a place where BODY meets SPIRIT, where creative, sacred magic is birthed.

Her labyrinth PERFECTLY compliments the land in which it is now weathered and embedded.   A stand of two mature pine trees with SWEEPING branches are the centerpiece. Their dropped needles had long prepared the ground for JUST such an artistic and spiritual expression.  Seeing their PERFECTION in that space felt as if the trees themselves had conjured the labyrinth. Perhaps it was their DESTINY to frame the centrum, the core. If I wasn’t so self conscious I might have sat on the ground or sprawled out on my back on the pine needles to look up through the trees and watch the raindrops fall on my face.  

The center is traditionally the place to PAUSE and rest, to listen, to pray, and to receive the whispers of our HEARTS. Whatever the spirit evokes is what we CARRY OUT on our journey back along the path to the entrance.  The path ONLY leads to the ONE place.  Walking it is a decision to make a spiritual pilgrimage to your heart, to your SOUL.  For many, it invites a mystical, spiritual experience of calm, wholeness, and HARMONY with the SOURCE of all things.

Since I’m Christian, I quite EASILY imagined the labyrinth to be a physical representation of MY faith journey.  A journey which brings me into an EVER-CLOSER, more intimate relationship with GOD.  Traveling the path brought me a feeling of connection to my spiritual ANCESTORS who navigated their way through life by TRUSTING God to see THEM through, and those who walked BESIDE JESUS who would CONTINUE to follow and share the WAY of Jesus. (without whom Christianity would NEVER have been born!) My friend’s labyrinth coaxed me to take a few moments to seek spiritual growth and healing while contemplating the path to ETERNITY.  

NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA?  That’s alright.  Labyrinths have MANY interpretations.  I like them ALL.  I think that regardless of specifics, the path provides a METAPHOR for whatever IS sacred in our lives.  Walking in we CARRY our burdens.  At the center we RELEASE what weighs us down.  We feel LIGHTER and more peaceful as we walk the path OUT, ready to face whatever comes NEXT in our lives, be it challenges or JOY. 

You know, there’s some research about how the labyrinth engages RIGHT BRAIN ACTIVITY.  Walking the path gives us a BREAK from the logical, analytical, fact-based activity of our LEFT brain.  Without these constraints and DISTRACTIONS, our INTUITION, IMAGINATION and CREATIVITY are set loose.  COOL, right?  Maybe THIS is WHY many are able to solve problems, feel an inner peace, and spiritual clarity while the FUN part of their brain comes to the fore.  We let go of all the DAMN thoughts and take NOTICE of each breath, each footfall, each touch of the natural world, and each stirring of our hearts.

I read somewhere that the labyrinth is like returning to the WOMB and being REBORN. Personally, entering the mouth KINDA felt like birth.  I collected myself with deep, indulgent breaths, cleared my head and GAZED upon the journey, the POTENTIAL, the life ahead of me.  As I walked inwards, it was like experiencing the ebb and flow of life, the TURNS, the ‘ALMOST there but NOT yets’ of the journey.  Unburdening and the peace I felt at the center is how I imagine DEATH to feel.  The lightness and rejoicing in the path becomes the ‘FOREVER with God in paradise’, the RENEWAL of old energy, the everlasting electricity of the SELF that is IN me.

My friend has beautified her labyrinth with gorgeous rocks, art, and wind chimes.  Walking it in the rain ignited ALL of my senses.  I could SEE the beauty, HEAR the wind chimes, the birds, and the rain.  I could SMELL the earth, and the perfume of wet grass and vegetation.  I held my signature stone in my palm. I caressed its smoothness and its edges, the grit of the mud.  I TOUCHED the wind chimes and the bark of the trees, the natural floor beneath my feet. 

BEST OF ALL, as I journeyed the glorious path of MINDFULNESS, I TASTED the sweet, SWEET smack of FREEDOM that ONLY comes in loving yourself to the CORE.  The taste LINGERS for a long, LONG while and leaves me wanting more, More, MORE!  

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

1 Peter 3a, 4