Requiem is Latin for REST. But you ALREADY knew that, didn’t you? You were always so well read, so smart, and so articulate. Are you resting now? Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine. ‘Eternal rest grant them, O Lord’ – has eternal rest been granted to YOU? You were forty-four when your otherworldly quest for peace began. It was your birthday this week. I thought of you. You would’ve been fifty-six. You’ve missed 11 earthly birthdays. Still life rolls forward even though there are many things left unsaid.
Do you know that ALL I ever wanted from you was approval? A smile, a nod, a kind word. I understand that you were deeply troubled. I’ve become QUITE familiar with mental health derailment. When you and I were kids the labels and the help DIDN’T exist. Eleven years ago it wasn’t much better. Today it seems EVERYBODY wants a piece and it makes it difficult to get proper care – until you REALLY lose your mind or cause harm. There are no neat categories. No definitive diagnosis or prognosis. But if you are willing to jump through the hoops, endure all the chaos, allow the endless poking and prodding, eventually, if you are lucky – perhaps only by God’s grace, someone FINALLY stamps your hand and gives you passage into the shakey world of treatment and accommodations.
The medical and psychological powers never did nail down YOUR disease. Granted, from what I understand, the process of your personal detangling didn’t start until you were well into adulthood. Nevertheless, bi-polar or whatever you were, I ALWAYS sensed it. My angry, hurtful, terrifying big brother. Although you just could NOT like me, I adored you. Even when you screamed in my face, threatened me, thwarted me, squashed the caterpillar I was admiring, and said vile, hateful things to me, I loved you and I wanted you to care. But you couldn’t.
You were so kind and so funny, and obliging to EVERYONE else, even to my silly friends who thought you were the coolest. I thought you were the coolest – but you left me in the shadows. You didn’t know it, but I watched you from a distance, longing to sit close. Even so, I peeked out to marvel at your radiance.
I built a wall around myself once. It protected me. I needed SOMETHING to guard me, to buffer the insults – to muffle the direct and horrible hits to my self-worth, to block out the overwhelming question about whether I DESERVED to draw air, to be in YOUR presence. EVERYDAY you were alive, I clung to the hope that ONE DAY YOU WOULD CHANGE YOUR MIND. You’d LET ME be a part of YOUR amazing life. You’d show me the art you created and let me listen with you to your favorite music, you’d tell me about the best books you’d read, about your wilderness adventures, you’d laugh and tease and appreciate me – your reverent little sister.
When you died that hope was LOST. Our children would never benefit from the carefree days of cousinhood and you and I would never enjoy a comfortable, unspoken, unconditional bond, as many siblings do. There would be NO camping trips, NO Christmas dinners, NO friendly check ins, NO growing relationship. To this day, I am reinventing myself as someone who doesn’t NEED your APPROVAL, or anyone else’s for that matter. It’s funny how much of my identity was threatened when the wall became IRRELEVANT. I kept it, out of habit, I suppose. My perception of myself broke into a thousand bits that I’m STILL struggling to put back together. The wall looks different now – parts of it have crumbled and fallen, but
I still hide behind it sometimes.
You had your 10 year chip. A HUGE accomplishment. The autopsy confirmed you were not drinking. You were working SO hard on yourself. I’m proud of your valiant efforts. I’m not sure who you chose to make amends with when you did your ninth step. Did you DO your ninth step? It’s none of my business…but I can’t help but wonder, WAS IT TOO MUCH for me to wish that you’d acknowledge the damage you’d inflicted upon ME? DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU HURT ME over and over and over again? Did you have any faith, REALLY? The AA steps are steeped in God language – regardless of changing the words to ‘higher power’ and ‘making amends’ – faith in something bigger and benevolent is the undertone. [that’s my uninformed impression – I don’t really know anything – just that it confuses me] Anyway, it doesn’t seem to fit with who I THOUGHT you were. Well, YOU didn’t know ME EITHER. So here we are.
I sound angry. I AM angry. I can be angry and still love you. I can be hurt and still forgive you. I forgive you. I love you.
Were you scared, big brother? Did you have second thoughts? Were you sad? Did you make your peace? Were you anxious for whatever would come next? You should know that you highly UNDERESTIMATED the IMPACT your death would have on all of us still left to this life. Thank you for including my name in your final note, listed with the people you loved. It provided great comfort. I understand liking and loving are different. I can accept that. I’m so sorry that you were just SO exhausted by the WORK of living that relief, even death, was a welcome companion. I hope that in your last moments you didn’t feel alone. I hope LOVE held you and holds you STILL.
[Jesus answered them…,] “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
John 12:24-25
Since you’re reading this, you probably ALREADY know that I suffer from anxiety, depression, etcetera. If not, THEN, WELCOME! Thanks for coming. FYI – I reference my own mental health and that of my loved ones alot.
Above, I have quoted a bit of scripture from the Gospel attributed to the apostle named John. HIS version of Jesus is VERY SURE of his own divinity, his mission to gather in the whole world, and his coming fate on the Cross. I guess this isn’t my FAVORITE picture of Jesus. I prefer the human, SUFFERING servant, the ‘learn as you go’ kind of Jesus, found particularly in the Gospels of Mark and Luke. Anyway, this bit from John is PART of what I preached (I’m a pastor) about to my congregation this past Sunday.
When MY heart HURTS, when I am awash with grief, when I feel empty or like I am sinking, I HIDE behind my academia. I lean on my brain INSTEAD of squeezing what I CAN out of my heart. The result? Well, I have some lingering thoughts that I need to lay down.
I have read this scripture passage aloud at the interment of EVERY person I have ever buried. I listened to my father read it over the grave of my brother who succumbed TOO SOON to his mental illness. It is always a struggle to read these words.
I don’t HATE my life. That’s one of the first things people in helping professions ask – ‘do you consider harming yourself? Do you have thoughts of ending it?’ Thankfully, so far my answer has always been a solid NO. Sometimes I manage my mental and physical illnesses better than at OTHER times, however, I have always been able to see HOPE blossoming in my life even when I am suffering. But, like SO MANY others with mental illness, my brother could NOT.
My 20 year old daughter who LIVES WITH mental illness IS considered cognitively and developmentally neurodiverse. She IS generally happy and stable, but, I HAVE heard her TOO MANY times say that she hates her life. When she was very young, her tiny body would flail out violently in extended episodes of frustration and her sweet voice would cry out with disturbing AGONY. Medication changed that – but we sacrificed some of her spirit for the sake of her peace. It still troubles me. Some choices for good, SMART.
My brother respected the church but I don’t really know if HE considered himself Christian. My daughter says she believes in God but NOT in the resurrection of Jesus. How do my brother and daughter FIT into this ‘dying for life’ teaching? I have a hard time seeing the fruit that has resulted from my brother’s death OR from my daughter’s hardships, let alone from the death of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus the Christ. It’s not easy for anyone to find good fruit in the rubble of pain.
Even though I am discerning, I emotionally shrink back from these confusing words and maybe you do too. Read them again: “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” What does this mean for my brother, my daughter, and ALL of our loved ones who are at-arms-length believers? What about those who have NEVER heard the good news? What about those whose suffering overwhelms them into lifelong misery UNTO death?
How DO we reconcile HARD loss or the death of people we love with the bearing of God’s good fruit? How can we possibly understand what it means that Jesus endured what he did for OUR sake and that it was necessary for OUR salvation? It’s a lot to process. How can anyone see positive fruit amidst the terrible rubble?
DON’T PANIC. Let’s focus on LOVE. How do WE share love WITH and FOR our neighbours? Do we approach ALL people with the spirit of equality, esteem and worthiness? How I understand it, adhering to the Christian commandments and the doctrines of the church has a place and CAN be very GOOD, but love is best when it takes center stage in our lives. Each one of us is created from the same STUFF – earth, stars, recycled butterflies (I read this in a poem) – you know, all the ELEMENTAL particles of life. Christians believe that ALL people are created in God’s image out of divine love. It is a free and holy GIFT. Love is meant for goodness and for sharing HOWEVER that translates for us as individuals.
Many people serve the purpose of love without EVER associating it with God. God sees the goodness of our hearts and the service we do EVEN when WE think nothing of it. Love is God’s gift to us regardless of whether WE are conscious of it. Our works come from the love we feel and justice we serve for the sake of our neighbours whether we say it’s in the name of Christ OR NOT.
Andy (my husband) and I have four ‘young ADULT’ children (ages 16-20). They are each unique and we parent each of them according to THEIR needs. One might be super independent. One might not be. One might be outgoing. Another is not. Their comfort zones and abilities are ALL different. We fiercely love EACH and every ONE of them with our WHOLE hearts. We adjust our parenting to best suit their INDIVIDUAL needs. If WE can do that, and God created us, can’t we trust that God parents us in this SAME way? God loves each one of us and God relates to us each individually – SOME are ALREADY folded into the ULTIMATE Source of EVERYTHING’s’ embrace, OTHERS, God is patiently and gently DRAWING IN. Some will not realize the fullness of God’s love until their physical life ENDS. But God is always, always, ALWAYS evolving and adjusting and working, over and OVER to bring us into a cosmic relationship with the divine mystery and with each other.
Even I (not a green thumb) CAN understand the agricultural reference that a seed is useless until it is BURIED in soil where it will sprout and reproduce, it will burst with life, multiply and GROW. If it is never planted it will remain just an individual seed. The stuff about hating and loving our lives is not as cryptic as my weary heart sometimes hears it. I looked it up. In the original GREEK the translation for “love and hate” is a sentiment that sounds MORE like ‘favouring OR rejecting’ the ways of worldly living or ‘favouring OR rejecting’ the ways of our eternal and holy purpose, our souls. The word ‘Life,’ you see, in Greek, suggests MORE than the physical reality but also the BREATH, the spiritual and the eternal life force. Jesus is speaking about OUR Godsparks! (my word)
The physical world feeds our material wants and desires. Jesus is NOT suggesting that we seek out a life of poverty or abuse. Rather, when we accept even small sacrifices for the sake of what is holy, for God’s love of ALL people and ALL of creation, then we reject what humanity has made of the world and embrace the inbreaking realm of God with our WHOLE SELVES, with our whole heart, with our Godsparky soul. When we hold on to the things of this world, of our lives just as they are, when we would rather maintain the status quo than RISK something new, we will remain JUST as we are. When we let go of the things of this world right now, when we let love loose and share it abundantly – that’s when we TRULY live and find love forever abiding in God. We can choose to live in the in-breaking and everlasting realm of God TODAY, rather than WAIT for death and heaven – There’s STILL promise for those unplanted grains though!- I’ve read about seeds sprouting BUMPER crops after many many MANY years of lying DORMANT. Hope springs eternal. It’s NEVER too late for new life to grow – even if we DIE first.
My daughter (also 20 – twins!) and I were walking our OLD puppy girl, Tessa, the day after the EARLY warmth in March gave way BACK to wintery weather. The birds who’d all come back were visibly TICKED. Many robins took cover under our trailer, all PUFFED and angry. The bit of snow was melting rapidly as the sun came out. Our Tessa dog walks slowly and meanders. Following her lead, we had ample time to look around. My daughter and I saw MANY signs of spring even though the birds were on a singing STRIKE. Trees and bushes full of BUDS, some beginning to PEEK out from their protective casings, new GREEN growth on the coniferous hedges, and sprouts POKING out of the earth, some already beginning to open despite the cold and snow.
The natural world is full of resurrection on repeat. Dying and rising with the seasons. Nourishing and growing for new life over and over and over AND OVER.
There is more to death than endings. Sharing love, sharing the spirit of love that dwells within us, sharing our Godspark – draws ALL people IN TOGETHER. We are bonded by a mystical union. We will know ultimate love when we endeavor to understand that life belongs with death and death is a natural part of living. We need both death and resurrection for the world to turn. For our souls to blossom. For our goodness to continue on through the ages.
Jesus says – Hey, you want to see me? I’ll tell you how you’ll see me after I’ve been lifted up in death, in resurrection, in my ascension. You’ll SEE ME IN EACH OTHER. I’m going to die – like the planted seed. Don’t look for me in the ground, in the seed in the tomb. Look for me IN the GROWING plant, – in the full ears of grain. That’s where you’ll find me. Look at yourself and the fruit YOU are bearing.
The fruit is meant to be good. We are meant to live in love and I am CONVINCED you WILL see Jesus there. Jesus says he dies so that we can bear even better fruit. Love lives on, in and through the generations. Pass it on.
Which brings us back to the loving and hating our lives conundrum. Dying to this life is an invitation into new life TODAY. Not the life WE orchestrate but the abundant life of living in God’s eternal and transcendent presence right NOW. This death has nothing to do with the length of our physical life, but with the QUALITY of life. It’s about living in LOVE. Dying to our life to bear fruit and abiding within God’s FOREVER love NOW. Our lives can be a glorious proclamation of love for God. Even so, don’t forget that God loves everyone and everything in all of Creation NO MATTER WHAT.
In John’s Gospel, Jesus explains that seeking him, seeing him, does NOT mean avoiding pain and death. INSTEAD, we can choose to trust that God WILL bring about LIFE. We may not be able to avoid suffering, but we can cling to Jesus’ promise that he WILL light our paths toward LIFE. Jesus describes the CROSS as the gathering place for agony, glory, unity, and communion: “When I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all people to myself.” Jesus willingly took the violence, the contempt, and the hatred of THIS world into HIS body, his sacrifice. He held on to his message of UNIVERSAL love, grace, and liberation, knowing full well that the message would cost him his life. He loved and he loved and he LOVED, all the way to his physical, bodily end and continues to LOVE US – IN, WITH, and THROUGH US. The SPIRIT of Jesus DWELLS in each one of us. We’ve ALL got that mysterious Godspark that love ignites in our souls.
Jesus loves me whether I love or NOT. Jesus loves you too, and Jesus loves my late brother and Jesus loves my daughter. It’s challenging sometimes, especially on those low days where depression grips HARD – but I choose to use my wavering trust to REMEMBER that Jesus wishes to see me — to see ALL of us — far more urgently than we’ll EVER long to see him. This is my REFUGE and the promise I clutch to myself through the HURT. We love because he loves first. The cross pulls us toward God and toward each other whether we KNOW it or WANT it because, in the end- we ALL belong to God, the Creator, the ultimate source of everything, and WE are ALL a part of the mystery of the vastness of the COSMOS within God’s ever-EXPANDING circle of life and LOVE.
Nuanced Niddy 