selective-mutism

Moody Mess

😊😬😐😔😪😶

At my monthly check in with my psychiatrist, I told him that my mood has actually been OKAY for a while. It WAS true. I saw him while I was still riding a wave of adrenaline after a surprisingly positive weekend among the people of the church I minister to. 

With all my mood and personality disorders and my frequent depression, it is really something when I wholeheartedly feel hope, love  and connection with them. Having a good, relaxed time socially is always a challenge. But I was feeling it.

Maybe it’s because my ‘Mommy senses’ tingled when I held the new grandson of parishioners who are integral to our faith family. A measure of their joy rubbed off on me and I am still so thankful.

Yeah!  I held a perfect bundle of baby in my arms! I have longed for the pre-pandemic ease in which our interactions with the most vulnerable among us were not blanketed in fear. What a gift to count his tiny fingers and toes, to feel the warmth and weight of him and to marvel, to bask in the created perfection on my lap! God is good.

This was at a summer social so graciously hosted by members at their home.  The sound of the giant Jenga blocks falling, the giggles echoing, the joy and exuberance of the children diving, somersaulting, and splashing in the pool.  The watery trails of drips that followed them to their towels and snacks was nostalgic of when my own kids were small.  I found it deeply satisfying to witness.

Sitting together with leisurely chatting, roasting marshmallows singing together around a fire, not to mention the perfect weather was just fantastic! God is good.

The next day followed with our Cemetery Decoration service. I was overcome by the turnout and hospitality shown to the bereaved. The mingling of relaxed laughter and vulnerable,  unhidden tears was breathtaking.

How the sun, the breeze, the great outdoors, so comfortably provided us with a fittingly natural cathedral to do the work of remembering together. We stood on the holy ground of grief and faith together. Our church family graciously helping one another, teaming up to unpack an unrehearsed, gorgeously human service full of organic, heart felt love and tenderness. God is good.

So WHY, as I rode to my appointment did that familiar nagging ache of sadness and hopelessness clutch at my gut?  Believing in God’s love for me and the goodness so evident around me DOES NOT fix my mental health.

It’s weird, but after each high, I seem to go right into a low. I came home from that appointment and sucked back my extra pills that are designed to curb the nagging feeling.

It doesn’t negate the wonderful feelings of the weekend but it does stir up anger and questions I’d rather not dwell on.

Onward and upward.

You’re not alone.

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My little ponies – mental magic

My daughters and I have been volunteering at Poppy’s Haven, a Newfoundland Pony farm near us. In our day to day living, the girls and I are all kinds of anxious. The younger of my twins was turned away from high school because there were no feasible accommodations to help her cope. Tacked onto a long list of diagnosis’ is her Selective Mutism. I think that’s a misnomer. It should be called Situational Mutism. She becomes physically unable to speak when she anticipates that someone – especially adults – might expect her to do something that she finds threatening. Over the years she has improved a few baby steps.

The ponies are a huge boost to her well being (and mine). Both girls (they’re 19) smile large and breathe deeply while they groom the ponies with soothing, rhythmic motion. Instead of stimming, they touch the textures that are ALL HORSEY and feel the goodness of the moment. The ponies are very receptive and interactive. They nudge, and listen, and ignore with so much personality. It’s just a delight. Today the girls had the ponies out to play friendly games – games to help ready the ponies to accept riders without being spooked. Taking the lead of an 800lb animal and having it listen to you is an ENORMOUS self esteem builder. I am so profoundly overcome to hear my daughter speak to the owner, who is as gentle and kind as the ponies. We are truly blessed to have this opportunity in our lives. Ponies, dogs, gerbils – they are all creatures with calming abilities. You can feel their unconditional acceptance of you and all of your quirks. It’s been a good day. God is good.