Spirituality

To Infinity

“Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another.”

Romans 14:13 NRSV Bible

Yesterday morning I chased after my cat yelling, “WAIT, IT’s ALIVE!”  The tiny victim of her recent hunting was still literally kicking before I aided its dispatch and put it out into the flower bed.  Now, you probably have an opinion about allowing pet cats outdoors.  Domestic cats don’t disturb the natural order of things when they are kept INSIDE.  I’m of a mind now, that perhaps humankind was cruel to adopt anything wild as a pet in the first place.  

Life confined indoors certainly does NOT suit my cat and keeping her indoors ALL the time certainly does NOT suit me.  Letting her out has saved me years of her relentless spraying.  As a youngster, she ruined everything from our shoes to the kids’ stuffed toys.  I spent time cleaning up after her with alcohol or vinegar and a variety of deterrents, but NO, that DID NOT stop her.  I carefully followed instructions about where to locate and how often to clean her litter but she didn’t follow the RULES.  Besides the filthy mess, Daisy was destroying all of our wooden and upholstered furniture with her claws. (I’m AGAINST declawing, by the way.)   I’m MUCH happier seeing her use the clothesline post to sharpen her nails rather than my chair!  

As a last resort, our veterinarian TOLD US, “for the love of all that is good, LET THAT CAT OUTSIDE!”  And so we did and, she continues to do some nasty, wild, catty things indoors but letting her out LESSENS the impact inside. She Does bring in her catches from time to time, but I’m okay with this compromise.

Does everyone agree with my decision?  NO, and I don’t expect you to.  I know that in some places cats are forbidden by law to be outside and for good reason.  Perhaps I should NOT HAVE a cat since I’m not willing to accept whatever sacrifices that means for my household.  But I do.  I DO have a cat.  And SINCE I have a cat, I have decisions to make and those decisions will NOT necessarily jive with YOUR decisions and opinions.  Are you going to chastise me?  Maybe.  Surely someone will pass negative judgment on me. Unfriend me.  CANCEL ME. 

Whether or not I should let my cat outdoors is MY decision and dependent upon MY personal, unique set of circumstances. I understand the risk and the cons for myself and OTHERS. God, the Higher Power, the Source of everything, KNOWS what I am up to and I’ve made my peace with that. I am prepared to answer to God, the Eternal One, for how I’ve chosen to accommodate my cat into MY life.  

This sounds RIDICULOUSLY trivial, doesn’t it?  Personally held opinions can SO easily become obstacles that STOP us from getting along.  We easily cast judgment on anything or anyone that doesn’t match up with our OWN views.  Even faith practices are not left untouched.  In Christian scriptures we can read a letter from Paul (a prominent Jewish Christian around 30 years after Jesus) written to a mixed Roman/Jewish church in Rome which shows that the faithful followers of Jesus engaged in HEATED arguments about what they ATE and which days they marked as HOLY.  It’s clear that it has ALWAYS been very hard NOT to pass judgment.   So, how do we STOP bickering about personal preferences and focus instead on WORKING TOGETHER to help each other steer away from moral failure?  

MORAL FAILURE, that’s right.  Moral failure is a scary idea, isn’t it?  To live JUSTLY with one another, it’s necessary to be mindful of what we, ETHICALLY, are WILLING to NEGOTIATE.  Sometimes it isn’t possible for us to flourish with others because, well – sometimes we hurt each other in ways that are DIFFICULT, if not IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile.  It is helpful to remember that at our CORE we are the same.   We come from the same Source. Christians maintain that we are created in God’s image and are loved EQUALLY by the Creator of Everything with NO exception.

Across many faiths, WISDOM invites us to LOVE and pray for our enemies and those who hate and persecute us.  White supremacy, hate speech and hateful actions, racism – these are CHOICES beyond what those who follow the way of love are WILLING to negotiate.  These sins, these immoralities, are UNDENIABLE. These hurtful actions and abuses of power NEED to be dealt with.  The community of love NEEDS to call out and expose these destructive lies and those who continue to accept and perpetuate them.  

In the ETERNAL realm of love, the wrongdoer still needs to be held ACCOUNTABLE.  When we are living in LOVE,  forgiveness isn’t necessarily FAIR or DESERVED. Can you imagine if it was?  I hope the Great Creator is NOT modeling divine forgiveness on human choices.   I believe that the DIVINE invites US to forgive others out of deep, enduring LOVE – over and over and over to infinity and beyond. 

It’s important to note that reconciliation requires BOTH the offer of forgiveness and the NAMING and acceptance of RESPONSIBILITY for wrongful, hurtful, or abusive behaviour. Biblically speaking, our moral model is Jesus who is always showing us how to prioritize GRACE and MERCY as well as ACCOUNTABILITY to one another and to our Source, to God.  Jesus tells us to forgive our neighbours from our HEARTS.  

Whenever an issue of the heart arises I put on my SOUL glasses.  Through these lenses – the view of eternity is clear.  My inner spirit says, “Hey, Nadine, NO ONE is perfect.”  It’s true, isn’t it?  I don’t know WHY this is true or WHY it is so comforting- but IT IS.  We all fall short, some fall further and harder than others. But my heart always reminds me about grace.  The Eternal Wisdom Keeper who dwells in us, through us and with us IS MERCIFUL.  It’s time to stop keeping a tally of how much or how many wrongs you, yourself have already forgiven.  Love and compassionate mercy are the character of our Creator.  As REFLECTIONS of our GOOD SOURCE, we are invited to reciprocate – by loving and forgiving and keeping JUSTICE in our communities of faith and in the world. 

Just so you know, I forgive my cat.  She’s just being a CAT.  I feel bad for the mice, I really do.  They are tiny and adorable innocents.  Creatures of the Creator.  I also forgive myself for making a decision in favour of MY own comfort.  You know what – it’s okay.  Nobody is perfect. This is the driving fact behind our ABILITY to forgive each other.  We make selfish, messy and complicated decisions that are not always ideal.  In quick order, we tear ourselves down and we puff ourselves up in judgy self-righteousness.

But when we CHOOSE to walk in the Spirit of love, it means that we let go of our insistence on being right and dedicate ourselves to making ROOM at the table.  We can WELCOME ALL people, as we have been welcomed and encourage ALL to celebrate and give thanks to our Maker in their OWN Spirit-inspired creativity, and DIVERSITY.  We CHOOSE to love one another.  We CHOOSE to work toward healing relationships.  We CHOOSE to move toward a beautiful, indescribable UNITY of the physical, spiritual, and communal realm of LOVE that is available to us right now in part,  and will one day come in the true fullness of eternity.  We can embrace the way of LOVE, everyday.

We can bless our decisions to MAKE them the RIGHT decisions for ourselves by committing them to the Creator.   In terms of our multi-faith reality, our varied practices, however grand or routine, are done for the SAME PURPOSE.  The motives are the same.  We do what we do because we believe it is the right thing to do in order to HONOUR the ONE who made us, sustains us and loves us.  If this is GOOD ENOUGH for the Divine, then why can’t everyone be accepted as ENOUGH and GOOD?

Whenever we let go of the hate, the desire for revenge, anger, and retribution – EVEN WHEN it is completely understandable to FEEL and WANT these things, we take a chance that there is a POSSIBILITY for a wonderfully RENEWED relationship or a RELEASE from the oppression of anger and resentment that BINDS us.   Either way, we are loved and we are FREE to love. The rhythm of the universe and the light in our hearts work together to SHINE an eternal energy of LOVE and connection day by day and age after age.  SHINE ON.

“Forgiveness is a powerful expression of the love within our soul.”

Anthony Douglas

Nobody’s Perfect

 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

I’ve felt a real SHIFT recently.  It didn’t come all at once but I could sense my heart moving DIFFERENTLY. Is this something that comes with age? No – it is NOT age!  I prefer to call it an increase in the collection of LIVED experience. This coming weekend I will be celebrating another year added to my maturation of KNOWING.

The last year has been a personal push and pull but, after some much needed self reflection and trusted feedback, I have made some quiet decisions that make me feel a LITTLE more settled.  I don’t feel AS lost.

Personal PEACE has always been hard to maintain. For a time, I was totally and completely OBSESSED with exercising. Yoga, weightlifting, walking, sit ups, squats  stretches – EVERY single day.  My muscles had no time to heal. I also cycled through eating less, eating more, eating healthier, and fasting (AKA  STARVING myself).  This left me with too little protein to support the high activity so I was CONSTANTLY dizzy.  My body shape morphed rapidly and accordingly, as did my personality. 

Meditation, mood tracking apps and journaling didn’t last long.  I’m all disordered and couldn’t sufficiently rein them in. I committed myself to going outside and standing with my face to the sun for 10 minutes a day – even in the deep crispness of winter. I committed to SHOWERING.  SERIOUSLY. If you get it, if you relate to ANY of THIS, you are my kindred. WELCOME. Pull up a chair. I KNOW, RIGHT?

I kept up with the yoga during my sick leave, four years ago, and I read 142 books. I expected to return to work rejuvenated. Instead  I was EXHAUSTED and have remained so through Covid right to THIS moment.  

Breathe in. 1-2-3-4-5-6.

Hold. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8.

Breathe out. 1-2-3-4-5-6.

I think, I HOPE, I’m finally starting to TOUCH it. INNER PEACE.  I’m still working on all the ‘forgive yourself for not knowing then, what you know now.’ There’s A LOT to wade through there. 

I didn’t know the venom my oldest brother directed at me EVERY moment of my childhood was traumatizing. Since his death 10 years ago,   I’m only now deciphering how my relationship with him impacted my whole life. My relationships. My choices.

When I get trapped by the SELF WORTH devil,  it IS hard to escape unscathed. It’s way too easy to list all the things I’ve done wrong in my life and worse, all I’ve failed to do as a parent.  It’s truly something to be able to sort out the blessings from the pain of our lives because the blessing often roots in the hurt.  It ain’t so easy to just ‘turn that frown upside down’. So much baggage hangs from the sad lines on my face.

The only thing that has really kept me from sinking is my desire for God. Does that sound weird? Yup. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? Desiring God.

I saw a Meme somewhere recently that took me by surprise. It said, 

“What a great joy it is to laugh with someone and consciously notice how much their existence means to you.” It drew out tears. Maybe I’m just an emotional jellyfish, but they were real and beautiful, a salty wet ocean that reminded me again of my faith. My constant yearning for God.

In the moments I despise myself most,  I most clearly realize how much I need to depend on God to LOVE me for who I AM.  I am NOT the perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, pastor, or friend.  Imperfections and weakness seethe through me, they battle with me to be let out. When my most hated parts wear me down, I am reckless, snappy, snarky, hateful, and so very angry.  But you see, when I come back to myself, shake it off, straighten my blouse, God is still loving me like crazy. ‘Good job, kid. You made it through. What will you do now?’

My answer will always be, ‘Well Almighty One, I will share love.’ God’s love is the constant, stable reality that even accepts us at our worst, when we feel like failures, when we feel sinful. Our weakness pulls us closer to God. I can feel my godspark soul shine brightly through the shroud of self-disgust and radiate outward, guiding me (AND YOU, TOO) to be empathetic, and to embrace others in their weakness too.  We can pause, breathe, and wonder at the gravity of human worth, the simple joy that comes in accepting one another as God does.

Our imperfections can bring us closer to God and to others, especially to those we might look down on. Our flaws help us grow compassion and the ability to give and receive love.

This is the PEACE I feel I’ve been shifting toward.  God is perfect.  We are perfectly designed to be what God created us to BE. The divine Spirit dwells within OUR bodys, which are still full of sin.  God has chosen, for now, that we, the forgiven, still be imperfect. It’s the now and not yet of God’s realm within us. You are a Spirit-filled ‘work in progress’.  We are not yet what we will someday be. 

There is strength in weakness and joy is at the ready in your divinely held heart. 💖

 “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own” Philippians 3:12
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Oh Poop

Here’s the thing. I’m just going to conclude that you ARE enough and you are LOVED. If that’s all you need today, great. As you were. 🖖Nanoo, nanoo.

If you are still with me, PLEASE tell me it’s not just me who gets caught up in the smorgasbord of self-help and advice, streaming from cyber space? I spend an inordinate amount of time on my devices, reading HUNDREDS of tantalizing comments on topics including parenting teens, cleaning tips, and mental health. Ridiculously, I’m a member of a group called “going grey gracefully” while I sport just a few downy silvers on my head.  I NEVER comment or post on these sites. I’m quite comfortable LURKING because, good heavens, what if someone ENGAGES with me? Then they will KNOW.  BUT, I find (wayward) pleasure in conversing with myself about the delightful humour and discovery as well as the SHOCKING (gossipy) negative JUDGEMENTS voiced online (especially) when someone is genuinely asking for help or just has weird humour. I like weird humour and honesty the best. 

I’ve always enjoyed ‘People watching’. Scrolling the Socials just takes it to a new and more in depth level of SEEING and identifying with the vulnerability of humans. I religiously follow cleaning tips knowing full well I’m NOT going to clean any better – BUT, I find others who are just like me in that group. A backward solidarity develops. It quite ODDLY helps.

Before I was introduced to social media I partook in the risk free watching of reality TV shows. When my kids were tiny I watched ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’. As a young professional I watched ‘What Not to Wear’ and any home makeover and house cleaning shows.  I liked ‘The People’s Court’, and survival challenges, and, oh, how I GLORIED in, ‘You Are What You Eat,’ a shameful show that involved unhealthy individuals presenting their POOP in tupperware containers for examination! Egad! What is this affliction?

As far as I can reckon, at least personally, this behaviour is seeking validation for the way we REALLY live. Online offerings become (for me, anyway) the village that teaches us HOW TO COPE- especially for those of us who are at a distance from mentors, family, and close friends.   I’ve spent my entire adult life far from my circle of trusted people.  We can’t help measuring our lives against the Instagram-ready backdrop of people living their BEST LIVES.  Advice is coming from goodness only knows where and our vulnerable brains can’t always filter out the NONSENSE from the TRUTH.

Unfortunately, (I find) social media does much more convicting and condemning than it does praising or affirming. Of course there ARE some absolutely wonderful sharing platforms and groups that are healthy and helpful. My mentally ill brain always gravitates toward the SHOULDS rather than the truly gracious spaces. I fixate on promises of mindfulness and peace even when it’s from a Facebook, self-proclaimed expert.

I know that even though it can be an all-consuming crutch, I WON’T STOP scrolling because it absurdly feeds my need for CONNECTION with others.

It really BUGS me how much I actually NEED others because I prefer being alone. But, I also like laughing, learning, and sharing with others.

We are social animals.  We are designed to live in community. This DOES NOT mean CONSTANTLY being in the presence of others. We CAN retreat.  Sharing our solo experiences when we’re ready, through art, the written word, or our storytelling, IS being in COMMUNITY too. YOU, as you read this blog are unwittingly connecting with my heart. (Cue the segue into faith talk – stop here if you don’t want to go there. PS. You are enough and you are loved.)

Our hearts matter. Your deepest you, your godspark, your spirit, your soul MATTERS. Online platitudes and judgements are often inefficient bandaids to hold ourselves together. It’s best (I think) to use social media for entertainment and inspiration. Know that most of the ‘people’ preaching the hard fast truth are not necessarily right. Do your own research and think YOUR OWN thoughts.  All of us have sensitive inwardness that can so easily be hurt.

I’m a Christian, so when I speak about spirit, original life source, and universal connection, I’m referring to God whom I worship. Regardless of your faith resonances, we have a lot in common.

We matter in the great order of things. We all began with the Great SOURCE of all being.  As big as this spirit energy is, one of the greatest and wonderful mysteries is that this All in All, beginning and goodness of everything, from beetle bugs to star shine, knows us individually and personally.

In the Christian Bible, the Jewish Torah, the Muslim Quran, and holy books I have never known, prophets claim that the same source of life for all creation knits us together in the womb of our Mothers and breathes spirit life into us individually and collectively.

Like our ancestors we live filled with the eternal Spirit, Soul, universal love and goodness of our original life source. Our lives are full of purpose.

When we are aimlessly scrolling for reflections of ourselves in the best and the worst of social media, when we feel small or insignificant or are suffering in any way, we tend to forget where we came from. The great source knows us before we are even aware of ourselves. We live unique lives that cannot really be equated with or far removed from the experiences of others. Being in community and relationship in all our diversity is BEAUTIFUL.

As advanced as we are in medicine and science, mystery surrounds how each child has a distinct personality and skills, as well as a soul, a lasting energy. I believe these parts of us are Spirit-breathed. We can put cells together, but creating a soul is beyond us. We can manipulate biology, but a soul’s formation is in the hands of the great mystery.

We BELONG to one another.  Our individual life journeys involve SHARING our hearts, our skills, and our faith in goodness. We can share our dedication to hope and our mission to create a better world TOGETHER. Instead of pointing fingers, lifting up inadequacies, and drawing attention to how much or how little our poop stinks, we can help one another name what IS UNIQUE about us and assist each other in finding purpose and peace.

We are here by the design of the greatest and best mystery there is. We were loved before we knew anything else. We will continue to be loved when what we know fades. We will be loved into ETERNITY whether our house IS clean or our teenager is lippy, or NOT.

In the meantime, know you ARE NOT ALONE in the expanses of the internet world. We have each other. Even our life source is with us, beating in our hearts, laughing in our souls, and living each moment in each breath you breathe. I BELIEVE IT. I hope that you, too, can allow that belief to ground you through everything you face in life. You ARE ENOUGH and you are LOVED.

Drown Proofing

“To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower 
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand 
And Eternity in an hour”

William Blake

My parents are die hard campers. Until quite recently, they slept in sleeping bags on the floor of their tent with only a ‘luxurious’ thin piece of foam under their 80+ year old bodies.  They always took pride in roughing it out.  Dad went logging for deadfall in the bush. He sawed up knotty wood and let my brothers help chop it and set it up to dry around the fire.  Everything from toast to spaghetti was cooked there.  Even the water we lugged to the campsite was fire boiled to heat for dish water and general washing. 

Dad took us fishing in his Kevlar canoe, portaging into the unknown to find good fishing holes.  We learned to fix wriggling worm bits on our hooks and to fillet a fish on shore using a flat rock or the edge of our paddle as a cutting surface.  We slept in a canvas tent, lined up like sardines, wearing long underwear, hoodies, and socks, trying to hold our pee all night as we listened to the shuffling of wildlife around us and tried not to feel the uneven, rocky, rooty ground beneath our hips. Bug spray was unheard of. 

I looked forward to our camping trips.  We were together and close, and relaxed. The hard work looked fun when my Mom and Dad did it with poise and their practiced rhythm.

My teenage children experienced their grandparents camping ways when they were young.  After an unsettling trip with a nightly bear visit, we bought a hard top trailer and have never heard the end of it.  Until Covid, we camped annually with them and my brother on a nearby site (even when we started to live in the trailer section).

We’ve been binge watching the ALONE series on TV.  I love it. It reminds me of my childhood summers. 10 contestants are dropped in remote, harsh areas, with 10 survival items of their choice, a pile of camera equipment to be their own film crew, and a satellite radio to tap out when they can’t do it anymore.  They have to source their own water and food, build their own shelter, and light and tend a fire to survive- rustic camping to the ‘nth’ degree.

It really helps me appreciate what our ancestors endured. ALONE is a survival show. It’s very entertaining to observe and think about how we’d do things if in their shoes.   But, a funny thing happens to these survivalists.  While all alone, fighting to survive they discover that life isn’t just about surviving.  Through their struggle and hard work they connect with nature and find their own purpose, their loves, and their deepest self. They proclaim that they have found their peace with the land. They notice how important each morsel of food and each drop of water is for their body. They pause, breathe, and take in beauty. They say thank you.  It makes me cry. 

This Sunday I preached about Jesus walking on the water and Peter sinking into the depths until Jesus takes his hand.  Peter was eager to get beside Jesus. He didn’t realize that Jesus was already with him and physically drawing near.  Jesus didn’t stop the storm on the water when Peter called to him.  Jesus didn’t make it any easier for Peter to walk on the water. Instead, Peter gets a lesson in drown proofing.  

Remember learning that?  Let out all your breath. Sink, let your arms rise up keeping your body horizontal, touch bottom, push off with your feet, break the surface, breathe, repeat.  This uses a lot less energy than treading water, floating or swimming.  We must remember the power of the water, have respect for nature and trust our amazing bodies.

Staying calm, taking steps to survive, recalling reasons to keep existing (love, truth, learning, helping, healing), biding the time, quelling the fear – this, THIS is how Jesus accompanies us through the worst storms.

Jesus is always moving toward us, staying with us through everything. When we are afraid, Jesus takes hold of us and helps us to drown proof.

It’s hard to trust in creation’s unity – the circular motion of God, the tangible world, and our souls.  Camping, forest bathing, hiking, communing with the creatures and the stuff of the natural world help us to re-center and remember that God is all in all.  Humanity needs to hone drown proofing skills.  It’s how we keep the strength of our faith.  We are never alone.  With God’s help, we will find a way forward in a world so full of hurt and fear.

But when [Peter] saw the wind, he was afraid 
and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.

Matthew 14:30-31 NIV

Dispirited Deliberation. Faith & Depression

I was out shopping for yarn the other day (it was July 20th – I’m crocheting my first dress), and my daughter took the picture you see above.  It’s JULY.  I’m just not prepared to shift to Halloween. 

In Canada, we celebrate Thanksgiving first.  I’m not even ready to think about the Fall holidays. Seeing this had a hugely negative impact on my day, my mood, and my view of the world.  What is wrong with people?  I sound like Charlie Brown (I often feel like him, too).  All this commercialization, this rush to start the party early, leaves little room to appreciate the liminal space, the time between the now and the not yet.

Please take a second to breathe. Inhale, 2,3,4,5. Hold 2,3,4,5. Exhale 2,3,4,5. Notice your breath, your beating heart, each muscle, tendon, and joint.  Breathe in again. Feel the rush of newly oxygenated blood pulse through your veins.

THIS, THIS IS our personal miracle. Every breath depends on the mechanics of our body, intricately laced together and given life by the energy of our great SOURCE.  For me, this translates into GOD.

In church today, I preached on Jesus’ parable about wheat and weeds growing together, treated EQUALLY, only to be separated by the owner of the field at the harvest.  We each have a tangled up bunch of weeds and fruit in our hearts.  On the last day, all that causes sin in the world and inside of us will be burned away as we come into the full GOODNESS intended for us.  

Waiting sucks.

I’m prone to depression and I’ve had a hard week.  Smiling on the outside.  Dispirited within.  Preaching victory. Living in torment.

How do you suppose we can be both Spirit-filled and dispirited?  If God is dwelling in me, why am I so miserable? It doesn’t make sense. Suffering doesn’t make sense.  I know my suffering pales in the face of the war, disaster, and fatal prognosis endured by others. But I’m a long-suffering woman. That’s what I’ve concluded, and I come from a long line of the same.

Long suffering has changed what I believe about God. God makes me extremely frustrated.

The hope I’m supposed to glory in just isn’t realized fast enough. Why must we ENDURE life rather than LIVE it with abundant blessing?

Have you heard of Job? (J-oh-b).  He’s a Biblical Old Testament Prophet who could write the book on enduring pain. In a very short time, he lost everything. His 10 children were suddenly killed.  All of his livestock was also killed. Then, yup, all of his servants were killed. At the same time, he lost his wealth, his health (he was covered in boils), and the support of his grieving wife. His friends blamed him for his suffering. “You must’ve really made God angry. Sucks to be you, man, ” they said.

Like his friends, Job thought that all suffering was divine punishment for sin. Job hadn’t sinned – but boy did he suffer – not for punishment, but simply because pain is in the human experience.

Why the *!#*!#! doesn’t God fix this?  God’s wisdom is far beyond mine. Like Job, I can make the choice to trust God and draw strength from that divine spark in my heart.  I can choose to persevere. I’m a stubborn one.  I will continue to voice my disapproval of the vacuous gods of consumerism.  

Yup. I am despondent, I’m melancholy.  God didn’t defend the reality of pain or explain why it remains in the order of things. God only tells Job to have faith. Be patient, live, love, and leave the rest to the divine.

Deep breath. 2,3,4 5

Good grief, Is this enough?

God, I hope so.

“And now my soul is poured out within me;
    days of affliction have taken hold of me. The night racks my bones,
    and the pain that gnaws me takes no rest.  My inward parts are in turmoil and are never still;
    days of affliction come to meet me. I go about in sunless gloom;
    I stand up in the assembly and cry for help. My lyre is turned to mourning and my pipe to the voice of those who weep.

Job 30:16-17, 27-28, 31 NRSV

“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.” 

Job 13:15

Frolicking Faith (paired with Depression)

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” 

Philippians 4:8

I woke up this morning with a heavy head. It didn’t take long for the familiar gnawing to start in my gut and radiate to behind my eyes where tears sit at the ready.  I want to eat, eat, eat, (I’m eating right now – but I’m not hungry), and I just can’t DO the THINGS. If I have to see anyone today, they won’t know that I’m stuck in this cloud again. I should’ve been an actress because man, am I GOOD.

There is comfort to be found, if not in my lived moment, then in scripture. I think, in my young adulthood, the big draw to ministry was the realization of the Spirit’s indwelling in me and a desire to help relieve suffering. As a person who lives with borderline personality disorder, I fix myself on God’s unchangeable love. I do not need to fear abandonment (even though I do) because God will never leave me alone.  We all carry a divine spark. Knowing this brings relief, even if only at a cerebral level – it’s a good starting place.

I feel low today. St. Paul wrote his letter (quoted above) to the church in Philippi while he was in PRISON. Certainly he was in an uncomfortable place. Somehow he rejoiced ANYWAY.  His words remind us that reflecting on the good things, being thankful in each moment – whether marred by clouds or brightly lit – is to live out the incarnation of Christ.  

From my experience with depression I know that sometimes remembering the happy yesterdays can provide at least an iota, a small flicker of hope. Things won’t always be like this. THINGS WON’T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS!

Yesterday was Sunday. It was a GOOD day.  In the middle of leading church, a childhood song popped into my mind.  It worked with my sermon about Jesus’ parable of the sower from Matthew’s account. Can you imagine God sowing seeds like a jolly farmer? God is like the sower who uses a ridiculous method to scatter seeds. There’s God, frolicking along, not worried about what kind of terrain on which the abundance of seed land. Imagine Oprah Winfrey and her joyfully anticipated giveaways – “Seeds for you, and seeds for you, and seeds for EVERYBODY!”  There goes God, frolicking along.

Anyway, the song in my head seemed appropriate. 

“Everyday, lambs at play,  in the fields where lilies grow.

 Frisk about, in and out, they are  happy, so!

Jesus’ little lambs are we, and he loves us, you and me. 

As we share in his care, we will happy be.”

Frolicking lambs across fields of plenty. That’s God’s picture of us. We mustn’t forget how it feels to frolic.

My depressed mind is clinging to the wealth of blessings from yesterday. Congregants indulged my need to sing said song.  I held a baby at coffee time, unbidden. He was placed in my lap. Bare toes, soft hair, that milky smell. That alone made the day a winner.

I was invited out to lunch with a couple of matriarch types and another ‘youngster’ like me. A lady in her 90ies DROVE us to a fairly new local restaurant I hadn’t been to yet.  The staff were lovely. The ladies at my table knew EVERYONE there and anyone more that entered. They laughed and shared their secrets with me (I think they were confessions). The trust, the fun loving, and the community felt like a good frolic.  We NEED each other. God is so, so good.

This bout of depression may last a while. By God’s grace, I’ll SURVIVE. I’m grateful for the ability to pull goodness into the deep pit. It will mingle with my Godspark and keep me company until I rise up again.

12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:12-13

Bop, Shoo Bop

What do you think gets better with age?

An earnest and rare charismatic Lutheran friend made us teach ‘Jesus is my rock’ to our young cabin group children at Church Camp. It was so long ago I can’t really remember the whole song. I AM Lutheran too. As far as I know, this isn’t a Lutheran song. Gosh, I hated singing this. It had ACTIONS 😬 A teenager’s dream.

“Jesus is my rock and he rolls my blues away. Bop shoo Bop, shoo Bop, Woo…”

HATED IT.  Yet, this is what came to mind with today’s prompt. When I look back on the life I’ve experienced so far, it’s easy to pick out the progression of my faith. FAITH gets better with age.  That stupid song is true.  Jesus is my best strength and my best solace in this world.

I wrote about mystic Julian of Norwich in a previous post. A friend sent me a lovely article today that reflects Julian’s perception of the ‘oneness’ of God’s creation.  When we are ‘oneing’ we are rediscovering the intrinsic love of God in all people and all creation.  I think I am inching closer to this concept every day. I desire to engage in ‘oneing’. In many faith groups, the acceptance of human goodness and unity is a long, chased after and continual goal.

What gets better with age?  I wanna say shoes, cheese, and stories. But shoes and cheese have little to do with faith – unless we stretch them into metaphors for learning about each other’s plight (walk a mile in my shoes) or perhaps the journey to oneness.  Cheese, the manna of my life, nourishes my body with creation’s goodness – but I have a real PROBLEM with SHARING it.

Stories are different. Our faith is based on stories that were important enough to first pass on orally and then captured, hand written on parchment. Faith Stories teach us who we are and WHOSE we are. (I’m talking about GOD, in case you didn’t catch that)

These stories portray the most gorgeous aspects of humanity: Kindness, empathy, acceptance,  and love.  Also, the stories don’t leave out the ugliest bits of us: envy, greed, and hatefulness. Stories of faith keep it real and relevant.

Faith ages well. With time, we experience the hills and valleys and those DAMN ROCKS that only JESUS can roll away! We become more aware of ourselves, others, creation, and our place in the order of galaxies and cosmos.  We become more humble and gentle. Social justice is our natural prerogative.

‘Oneing’ with the world looks more and more promising with each passing day. The gift of faith grows from within us. Our personal divine indwelling, our soul, our Godspark, responds to the Godspark in others. Day by day, blessed assurance until our precious Lord takes us home. 

‘Jesus is my rock and he rolls my blues away. Bop, shoo bop, shoo bop, whoo..” Can I hear an AMEN?

Bigger Than Us

GAIA, touring artwork by UK artist Luke Jerram as displayed in Exeter, ON

I feel so blessed to have been able to visit this GAIA exhibit. It’s an extraordinary to-scale replica of the Earth, which has been suspended from the ceiling of Trivitt Memorial Church in Exeter, Ontario as part of the ‘Huron Waves Music Festival’ during the town’s 150ieth anniversary.

The resin sculpture is lit from the inside and slowly turns to the sound of ethereal music, the actual voices of astronauts in spacecrafts as they experience the real thing, and the artists rendition of the mysterious sounds of the universe.

I think the emptied out sanctuary of a large Church is THE PERFECT PLACE to display it. 

When you LOOK UP, the peaked nave (above where the congregation would sit) of the church is reminiscent of the inside of the bottom of a LARGE BOAT. It made me think of Noah’s Ark and God’s promises of eternal love and protection. Here, the Ark domes over the delicate, breathtaking earth, like a rainbow, suggesting to me the everlasting presence of God holding our tiny planet in the enormity of space.


The narrow carpet which us usually the sanctuary aisle, forms a line extending from the earth to the BAPTISMAL FONT, which marks the exact distance the earth is from the moon. Viewers behold the planet just as astronauts have really viewed it from the moon.

Standing there brought feelings of humility and awe. The planet is astoundingly beautiful, and when you think about it realistically, in all its beauty, it is terrifyingly small in the vastness of the known universe.

I think it is very FITTING that the FONT is placed as the spacer for the MOON. The baptismal font represents the cleansing work of God’s Spirit that is forever guiding and accompanying us like the steadfastness of the moon.  As the MOON reflects the light of the SUN on the EARTH through the night, WE reflect the brightness of GOD’S LOVE for all creation through the indwelling of Christ’s SPIRIT. 

I doubt any of this was considered in the setup, but it certainly preached to me!


I will treasure the photos taken, especially of me in communion with earth. We must REMEMBER our God-given RESPONSIBILITY of stewardship for the sake of the environment and the SACRED BALANCE humans so thoughtlessly damage.

Being

Favorite camping spot.

How important is spirituality in your life?

My spirituality is informed by my Christianity. However, you can easily be spiritual without being religious. I think it’s all about how we interpret our awareness of BEING.

I live and breathe my personal spirituality. It fuels my interpersonal relationships, my worldview, my faith, and my pastoral ministry. I believe in a Greater Power, the Uncreated Source of everything, a consciousness of something bigger than all of us. As a Christian, I’m referring to my God. The awareness of goodness, love, intrinsic worth, purpose, and eternity enacted in and through daily life is my spiritual goal.

My soul is always seeking the eternal who IS LOVE, who loves me. The energy, the supernatural vibration, the divine in me, my Godspark, keeps me constantly and eternally connected to God/the Source/ the All-Knowing and everything else that is also in energetic union through life and in death.

It’s important. Spirituality is my life’s purpose. Connection and unity is its desire. Spirituality makes me care about people, other creatures, and the environment. It drives me to seek kindness and justice in this world of pain. It helps me to act with humility and notice all the amazing things I’d miss if my mind wasn’t always head to head with God.