“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” Matthew 6:25
“If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and night wraps itself around me,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you. For it was you who formed my inward parts; you who knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.” Psalm 139:11-14
“They don’t make dresses for sausages.” That’s what a dear old lady in my Mom’s church choir used to say. When I was a teenager, I thought she was a cute, little Finn lady with a great sense of humour. She was short and looked ordinary enough to me – but I get it now. She was right. They DON’T make dresses for sausages. I have entered my SAUSAGE ERA. I’m a jumbo sausage. More specifically, I am a HOT Jumbo, Great Canadian Meat, Gluten Free, HIGH protein sausage.
I should say I’ve been here before. I had a brief reprieve from jumbo life when my health required a very restrictive diet. For a few years, I was more of a CHIPOLATA sausage – small and skinny. However, I have reentered the Jumbo arena, and let me tell you, it sucks.
Body dysmorphia is a terrible LIAR. When I was super thin, I was convinced I should be even thinner. Whenever my pants size goes up, I think I’m too heavy. Either way, SHAME has me in its grip. I wish I could take what Jesus says to heart and not give a crap about what my body looks like or, like King David, be grateful to be living in it for the gift that IT IS.
Sometimes, okay – NEVER I think about my body as a gift from God. It’s hard to imagine why the DIVINE would find it a pleasing place to dwell, but God chooses it ANYWAY. It doesn’t work as well as other bodies. It IS worse for wear. I’ve treated it poorly. There are accumulated and genetic health issues I simply can not fix. Most days, I am angry at my body, actually angry at MYSELF, and I’m a very long way from forgiveness and healing.
A couple of months ago, while trying on my spring and summer clothes, I realized I had gained considerable weight over the preceding two years. They were times filled with EXTRA STRESS that affected my self-worth, my family life, my social life, and my work. I’d given up alcohol (long story) several years before, so I distracted myself with FOOD instead. Apparently, eating a WHOLE chocolate bar every night adds up, and menopause weight is no JOKE, especially when it comes to stress eating.
Depression is a reality in my little life. It ebbs and flows in currents that start as an ACHE in my heart that quickly takes hold of my brain. It turns me into an actress. I stop living and fall into the shadows of despair and self-loathing. It’s HARD to remember that the blanket of darkness that enshrouds me is NOT as it seems. The weight is a cosmic hug and a warmth emanating from heavenly light. This ISN’T just Bible Study stuff or things I HAVE to say because I’m in the God business. God REALLY knows me and you too. God loves me and God loves YOU. We don’t have to act, or change, or do ANYTHING at all. Be yourself! I am a living, breathing, hot, sweating, extra large creation OF GOD.
I’m good enough. I’m strong enough. And gosh darn it, people like me – (SNL – anyone? Personal affirmations in the mirror? Nevermind)
I’m an agent of my Maker. Even if I’m a shape-shifter like the blobby Barbapapas, I used to watch on TV. ‘Clickety Click, Barba trick’- their bodies morph into whatever is needed – thin, thick, tall, short, big, small, narrow, or wide. Who cares. God doesn’t.
The world needs us so very much to be loving. Love yourself so you can dig deep and find joy and peace in loving others with everything you are. No holds barred.
PS. I’m still going on a diet and beginning a new exercise routine. It’s a way to love my body. Chin up.
30 Again [Jesus] said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” Mark 4:30-32
My side lawn used to house three ENORMOUS trees that stood in a perfect row. Two flanked the driveway and the other stood by the little parking spot next to the garage. I agreed to have them TAKEN DOWN because they had signs of rot and were encroaching on the buildings.
Many people in my congregation thought they were walnut trees but NONE produced nuts and one had thorny branches and enormous white sprays that attracted SWARMS of bees in the spring. I was curious so I did some research. Whoever planted those trees in our yard either didn’t think it through or they had a twisted sense of humour. If I’m right [I’M RIGHT], one tree was a honey locust and the others were a ‘tree of heaven’ pair. HILARIOUS. I’ll tell you why. All three trees created prolific seedlings not only in our lawn and flower beds but also in those of our neighbours and, in fact, the whole village. They were invasive and grew with great speed. The roots went DEEP and held FAST. It took A LOT of work to dig up their roots and pull them up from the ground. There were SO MANY little saplings springing up that it felt like a PLAGUE. It was IRRITATING and NO amount of hard work could STOP them from growing.
Once someone told me that it was a pastor who did the planting. The house has always been owned by the church I serve and their pastors traditionally take up residence in it. I guess the pastor responsible thought AFFLICTING the parsonage with a tree named after the promise of honey and the plague of locusts from the Bible was FUNNY. At any rate, the whole tree thing seemed clearly PLANNED. The honey locust dripped sticky, messy sap on the roof of the garage and the sidewalk and, although the other two trees were tall and appeared to reach HIGH into the heavens, they were a stubborn, HELLISH nuisance. Amusing, right? I was pretty sure I hated those trees.
The scripture I preached a couple Sundays ago was Jesus’ parable of the mustard seed. I couldn’t help but think of THESE trees. A mustard plant begins as a small, inconsequential seed, hidden in the ground. Some varieties can RISE up to be a very LARGE bush. They aren’t REGAL looking or anything, just very ORDINARY, naturally occurring plants that grow like WEEDS. I’m no farmer but I know that the LAST thing a crop needs is tree-like weeds that steal sunshine and invite a bunch of birds and pests to pick around. Yet Jesus compares the mysterious in-breaking, sweeping [firmament- dimension-precinct-dominion-realm-‘kin’dom] Kingdom OF GOD to a mustard seed. An IRRITANT.
Those trees had grown like weeds. Even though they were uprooted, SOMEHOW through the miracle of nature, their offspring always continued, and, TO THIS DAY, pop up EVERYWHERE – through the boards of our deck, pushing into the bottom of our trailer, lodging tightly between the walls of the house and the steps. Those trees left a LEGACY of irritants, seeds with aggressive SWARMING behaviour and the ability to TRANSFORM landscapes by sprouting and spreading despite our best efforts to STOP them.
Jesus teaches that the kingdom of God is LIKE THIS. It pops up everywhere and spreads like weeds whether we TRY to stop it or not.
What does this mean for us who CHOOSE to put our energy towards the growth of GOD’S hopes and dreams for humanity and creation? How do we nurture the growth of human decency, justice and love? How do WE teach the way of humility and welcome diversity rather than stifle or silence voices that are difficult to hear?
I consulted several dictionaries and thesauri to inform my understanding of weeds. I was DELIGHTED to discover that the same concepts can be directly applied to our Christian concept of God’s in-breaking kingdom within us and among us. Jesus knew what he was talking about.
The kingdom of God is like ‘a plant out of place.’ It is like a plant ‘that interferes with human activities.’ It is like a plant ‘whose perceived negative characteristics might appear to outweigh its positive characteristics’, OR a plant ‘whose positive characteristics have not yet been discovered’!!!
The Kingdom of heaven is like a weed. It produces large numbers of seeds. These seeds ‘might remain dormant, but are viable in the soil for long periods of time.’ Perhaps the way of truth and love that we find demonstrated by Jesus IS undesirable in particular situations. Maybe THAT way of living conflicts with our preferences, needs, and goals. Surely a life lived speaking truth to power CAN be hazardous, unappealing, and difficult to control and simply unwanted in certain societal ‘environments’, but STILL the realm of God grows forth from our hearts, from the earth, and from the ever-blooming fruit of the Holy Spirit that animates EVERYTHING.
Did you know that some seeds of weeds have unique, God-given structures that ENABLE them to be transported and be easily spread? For example, like burrs to CLING to animals? The Holy Spirit is like a burr that clings to the seed, or even the seeds themselves that are consumed and SHAT OUT with ABANDON – ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE so that God’s love spreads and propagates EVEN in unexpected and difficult places without us so much as lifting a finger to help it move along? SHAT OUT! I LOVE THIS VULGAR, EARTHY, ORDINARY TRUTH!
Soon after the parsonage trees were taken down we started to MISS them. The inside of our parked vehicles became HOTTER. Our deck and backyard had NO shade. We LONGED for the visual of their branches waving and the sound of the breeze through their leaves. NO more robins or squirrels nested in our front yard. We MISSED the extra birdsong and the chatter. In the spring when things started blooming, we missed the sweet locust tree and were grieved knowing we had DESTROYED a HAVEN for the bees that used to collect pollen from its blossoms’ and nestle into its bark for rest. Those trees had grown like weeds. The municipality said a new tree would be planted to replace them, a promise yet unfulfilled. If I so-desired, I could simply allow the weeds to grow back. I’m seriously considering this!
The kingdom of God is like a mustard seed, a weed, an irritant – like the honey locust and the tree of heaven – a real and present tangible LIFE that is ALWAYS open to us to experience and SHARE. Following Jesus can be HIGHLY disruptive to our comfort and our entrenchment in the status quo. Asking questions, seeking justice, taking risks for the sake of others – is HARD. It’s NECESSARY. The world needs US to be like that mustard seed – relentless in our mission to invite others into God’s love, into the way of humility, peace, and belonging.
A weed will grow without our help, even if untended – gradually, mysteriously, even unnoticed until – WHOOPS, there it is. Likewise, the realm of God is always expanding. It grows not just to look nice – but to BENEFIT creation with shelter and security. Perhaps it is an univited, unmajestic, nuisance to some, but to so many OTHERS it is a much needed reality providing shelter, safety, and happiness.
Jesus says that seeds sprout and grow even though the farmer really has NO clue how this miracle happens. The earth produces from itself. The earth has the power of TRANSFORMATION. Farmers have to trust the soil, the earth, the ground, the mystery. The kingdom of God is the same. The seeds grow on their own REGARDLESS of what we do. The purpose of sharing the fruit of God’s metaphorical garden is simply to ENCOURAGE this love and growth in our tired world. We are invited to sow the seeds God provides. Carry the burrs and spread the shit. This is GOOD news. We don’t know how it all works. The mustard seed doesn’t push up out of the ground as a full bush and neither does the kingdom of God! We have hope because the new life of the kingdom is already growing here and will carry us through to the harvest of eternal life when the kingdom is realized in its FULLNESS. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to mess THIS up! The kingdom will keep on growing even amidst our mistakes, the growth of God’s kingdom CANNOT be uprooted.
Sometimes the irritants will get our goat – and sometimes we ourselves must be the irritant for justice and love to grow. Maybe nobody WISHES for big old weeds – but I can’t deny that the pesky honey locust and the trees of heaven – in their fullness – provided sanctuary and a place for life to FLOURISH in HARMONY. Let’s look at the seeds that have already been planted and recognize what they have done over time and will continue to grow in the future and let’s accept with CONFIDENCE, the invitation to continue sowing and our INCLUSION in the spreading of God’s expansive and unbidden love.
It seems I am always tired, angry, and laughing too loud. Depression is EXHAUSTING. During this current bout of it, I listened to an audiobook for the first time. If you’re wondering, I find that it takes just as much focus as actually reading the words. The lovely part is that there is a storytelling presence. It feels intimate. It feels like a connection, like someone sitting next to you, keeping your heaviness in check, engaging in a relationship. Listening to this voice feels like you have a FRIEND.
It disturbs me that I was listening to the authour of a ”TELL ALL” memoir narrate her own words this week, and I was feeling all kinds of validation and solidarity with her when I heard about the death of Sinéad O’Connor. GULP. It was HER voice, HER memoir, “Rememberings” that I’d been listening to. It makes me shiver in shock.
I’ve admired Sinéad since I was a teenager. Back then, she was mesmerizing and terrifying. She was so angry on behalf of the causes she supported that she stopped at NOTHING to clearly advocate. She was about the age of my older brother. It wowed me that she was so young and passionate about things I’d not given a thought to, if I was even aware of them.
I’ve just invested hours into getting to know her, to understand her more, to LOVE her, and to look forward to MORE from her. My respect for her has done nothing but expand. She endured SO MUCH. And now THIS.
Despite abuse and misogyny, she spoke TRUTH. She did everything she did on her own terms. Despite multiple mental illness diagnoses, she kept on keeping on. She was a mother, a woman of faith, and an advocate for the helpless.
My parishioners are familiar with what I call our Godsparks – the Holy Spirit dwelling IN each of us. Sinéad expressed that she strongly felt the Spirit, the Comforter whom Jesus promised, in and around her. She said that when she was speaking, the divine in her spoke to the divine in another. Her music was her ministry, and she followed her Godspark wherever it led.
During coffee time after church this morning, a friend and I were discussing how no one goes untouched by trauma. We may not be aware of what influences our behaviour or that of others. I know I wasn’t. We are so quick to label and judge. Mental illness is still so STIGMATIZED that we who have serious risks often go unchecked. Even under close supervision, disaster can strike.
No medical cause for her death has been offered, but we know Sinéad O’Connor lost her son to mental illness by suicide. I lost my brother to mental illness by suicide, too. Suicidal ideation is sneaky. I’ve always maintained that I could NEVER go through with it.
This week reminded me of my own vulnerability. There WAS a time in my first pastorate when I was young, I was married, and I held the world. YET, one snowy night on a back road, my little sports car started to get hard to handle. I was sliding and DECIDED there was nothing I could do. I didn’t even try. I GAVE UP. I just surrendered to the darkness. I let go of the wheel and let whatever was coming COME. I denied being clinically depressed. I hadn’t sought diagnosis, treatment, or any help at all. Thankfully, the car slid off the road, cleared the ditch, and sunk deeply into the snow just inches from a tree. I liked the adrenaline rush and the attention I got when I shared the carefully edited story about what happened.
Mental illness, unresolved trauma, impulsive behaviour – it can MESS with your brain even unto death.
We do a lot of praying in church. I pray almost constantly wherever I am. When things go sideways, my impulse isn’t to blame God. Instead, I CONVINCE myself that I must be praying WRONG, or I’m so BAD that God’s not listening. Really awful theology, I know.
Two things that will stick with me from that memoir I listened to this week. First, Sinéad O’Connor thought ‘cry laughing’ was the best expression of the mania and depression of so many mental illnesses. “Nothing feels better than cry laughing,” she said. She also said, “God doesn’t always GET to answering our prayers IN TIME because sometimes God is TOO busy WEEPING.” Indeed.
Look after yourselves. Pray. Feel your Godspark at work and let God answer prayer in, with, and through you. Peace friends.
Nuanced Niddy 