“Do you not know? Have you not heard? This God is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. This God does not faint or grow weary; with a depth of understanding that is unsearchable. God gives strength to the weary, and empowers the powerless. Even youths will faint and grow weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the everlasting God shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:28-31 NRSVUE/The Inclusive Bible

This post comes from the very DEPTH of me during a long stretch of downheartedness, dispiritedness, melancholy. I can’t choose ONE word to describe the experience of depression. Through a list of synonyms, I found the word ‘DISCONSOLATENESS’.  It’s about as accurate a word as I can find.  Look it up.  

EVERYONE needs a point of connection and  encouragement  especially in times of despondency (another good word). So, that’s where I’ll start.  Where do we find support? The Christian bible verse above speaks of ‘waiting’ for the Creator of everything to act. The footnote in my Bible says that waiting for God is a time to nurture hope as we patiently live in expectation. We are empowered by the energy of the Spirit of all things whose resources are inexhaustible. We HOPE. We have FAITH that the Spirit’s STRENGTH is in us. COOL COOL.

Few people are able to structure their work and life load to accommodate the time needed to cycle through depressive episodes.  WHEN it happens (because there is no escape) I change my focus from social engagement to paper work.  But I can’t avoid EVERYTHING.

During a recent clergy check-in (curiously and unsettlingly for the purpose of connection and encouragement), our Bishop asked us to share how WE practice thanksgiving. My knee jerk reaction was PANIC. I wanted to say, ‘NOPE. I DON’T. I DON’T GIVE THANKS’.  Not a very pastor-like response. I was relieved that a few colleagues answered the question BEFORE it landed on me.

Do YOU feel like giving thanks? Do YOU have a regular ritual or an intentional behaviour to help you find and name joy in your hectic life?  I didn’t THINK I did.  What I learned from this exercise is that I tend to NAVEL GAZE when my life is hard (This is NOT limited to my times of depression). We all get caught up in our lack of time, lack of support, lack of energy, lack of money.  YUP. That last one is a real BUGGER.  We work and work and WORK and never seem to get a leg up on our bills.  It’s SO hard to appreciate what we have when we are focusing on what we want but can’t possibly afford.  TRAVEL.  EXTENDED and EXCITING VACATIONS.  NEW GADGETS.  BETTER FOOD.  A NEW HOUSE. MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS that doesn’t COST US.  (By the way, NOT ONE of these things CURE depression).

I’m not looking for a cure anymore.  Finding Ways to COPE with depression is a much more reachable goal.

While I was neck deep in my personal pool of despair, a friend invited me to her property for a silent retreat, one I’d done before when I was LESS overcome.  She creates an experience of SELF in relation to our 5 senses – smell, touch, sight, sound, and taste. I was RELUCTANT, but I’m ridiculously polite.

What follows are my notes as I walked and rested on her property on the coast of Lake Huron in Southwestern Ontario, Canada. I share them so that you can observe my journey in that little BLIP of time and glean the natural wisdom that continues to feed my soul even as I stand, not cured but certainly feeling a sense of healing, even if only in passing.

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A chickadee perches on a branch just next to me calling ‘chicka-dee-dee-dee’. I’m of no concern as the little bird carries on with it’s flittering from branch to branch, making happy melody with the sound of the babbling fountain in front of me. Beautifully SMOOTH rocks, weathered by water surround the five tier water feature. Two rocks stand out. Words have been carefully etched into their surface. ‘TIME HEALS’ says one, and ‘DREAM”. As I sit here in the cool breeze off the lake, I feel these words deeply. I can SMELL the CLEANSING coming, almost tangible as I run my toe over the cold stones.

Bubbles are cheerful, aren’t they? These come from the falling water dipping deeply into the basin, pushing bubbles up from below. Each one like cells dividing. Like NEW birth.

Breathe in. Center. Nature is healing. It welcomes me. I am one with nature.

Fall is coming. The air tells the secret – the leaves of the maples are dusted with hints of yellow and red. Fall – hibernation – DEATH – sleep before WAKING. Necessities of healing. Time passing. New ways always moving FORWARD. The rythmn of it so soothing.

I feel the chill from Lake Huron beside me and wrap my sweater around myself. It feels good- the BRISK air. The changing of seasons is invigorating. To think all life began in this world from water. Our life force, powerful, TEMPERAMENTAL. Our bodies imitate this movement through TURBULENCE and TRANQUILITY. Perhaps this is what makes the sound and smell of water so inviting.

I am blessed to have a friend, a kindred, who welcomes me through her gate into this sanctuary, a place so FULL of beauty and living things.

I see a hummingbird, just now – moving from a shrub to perch in a pine tree beside me – then down in a BLINK – hovering in front of me before disappearing. A gift from above. A reminder to pay attention. Beauty is everywhere – even when we fail to see it.

And I move on. This retreat is for the senses. A wasp is enjoying the driftwood along the path. I find small apples strewn, fallen from way up, UP – a large tree their mother who releases them to nourish the squirrels, the land – her gift to the dance of WILD living. The wonder of trees – their intricate system of roots, flesh, and bark. Home to and, giver of life, food, shelter, grace. Shade from the heat, refuge from the storm. Beautiful. Even their STUMPS are full of PROVISION.

The abundance of rocks lining the fence and around the trees hearken to THOUSANDS of years of history – to be a delight for MY eyes today. My friend has made this natural place into a place touched by humanity with ART. Stacked stones, sculpture, plants, feeders, chipped wood. A seat to sit on whenever REST beckons. With my back to the lake I hear the waves in their hypnotic lapping against the shore. Sun glimmers through tree leaves.

An assortment of fall foliage – orange berries, red ones too, on a tree, leafy plants, pink flowers and white. The anxiety of the day fades.

I’m sipping on homemade iced tea. It feels so true to the INTENT of the lake. I’m looking at it now, the grey blue waves against an overcast sky with hints of sun. Gulls skimming the water. The breeze is COLD. It gives me goosebumps on my bare legs – but my sweater is WARM. I could sit here forever. Sounds of a lawnmower, people hooting, a dog barking, remind me how we share this planet. we are NEVER truly alone.

I find myself at the corner of the property – a DROP-OFF to the beach – a cliff. I stand above the beach like a towering oak. The waves foam over the pebbles and sand. The steepness of the craggy hill holds cedar, sumac, goldenrod, and green stuff I can’t identify. A monarch LEVITATES between me and the water – as if an eagle. As if RESURRECTED. If only we could experience such peace in every moment.

My friend has soothing instrumental music playing inside as I sit on the deck – admiring the yard and view in its entirety. How precious is life. Wind chimes and a small water feature – 3 bowls that look like carved rock, gently streams. I marvel at the BALANCE of it all. Humans can live more gently, more respectfully on the earth. What are we as CREATURES? What is our natural, INTENDED way? How did we get here?

Now I find some things to WAKE up my taste buds. Crunchy peas, dried? A hint of salt. Very pleasing.

The rose bush and the yellow daisies look so JoYFUL. The sun is so WARM. Is that a walnut sapling? Ooooo! ACORNS!!

Crisp and sour lemon slices. The taste is fitting of the environment of THIS day. GOODNESS. Mmmm, and sweet sweet chocolate. Such a REWARD!

Another humming bird – this time at the roses. I feel SO MUCH GRATITUDE.

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What of my answer to the bishop’s question? How do I practice THANKSGIVING.

With my SENSES. I SEE the water in flowing fountains, the mighty waves on the lake, the river rock. I study each tree, each leaf, each flower. I watch the hummingbirds, the insects, the chipmunks and birds over head. I HEAR the water trickling, the water pounding, the bird song, the signs of life all around me. I SMELL the water, the mulch, the flowers, the chocolate. I TOUCH the river rocks, the wood chips, and feel my barefeet in the grass. I TASTE the lemon, the candy, my breath – and always a hint of the lake water.

God’s way includes SENSORY experiences that wake us up. That remind us of our intrinsic WORTH and holiness. EVEN in our despair. Healing doesn’t mean curing. Wounds can reopen, fester. Time is a balm but the hollow grief never leaves. We learn to COPE – we learn to walk. Time allows reflection, to look back and to learn. Time points toward the possibility of HOPE and goodness.

When asked, I mumbled something about nature and my DOG. But there’s more. I remember my SMALLNESS. I notice small kindnesses from OTHERS. I notice the joy of others and PRACTICE being glad FOR them because we are connected. We are one.

I praise the Spirit within me, the Creator of everything for all the beauty in this world and recognize with thanksgiving that each life, each molecule, each good thing is an EXPRESSION of God’s love.

Am I depressed? YES.

Am I sad? YES.

Am I hurting? Sometimes, YES.

When I fall into the DROP-OFF, can I draw on the inexhaustible strength of the Spirit and WAIT for the HOPE of the hummingbird and the Resurrection promise seen in the butterfly? ALSO, YES.