Oversharing is NOT a trait restricted to Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’m pretty sure EVERYONE does it.  BPD MAYBE gives me an exaggerated tendency to talk about myself.  When I’m uncomfortable, I’m silent. BUT when I loosen up or feel especially daring (or want attention), it’s blah blah blah, BLAH,  BLAH – TOO MUCH information. I HAD a friend once who, when I got out of hand, said  ‘Nadine – your slip is showing.”  You know the HORROR of tucking your skirt in your pantihoes or your slip hanging out from beneath your dress? – THAT’S how she reined me in – by reminding me that I was EMBARRASSING myself. 

Back in the day, I drank to curb my social anxiety. It was TOO MUCH and I went way TOO FAR.  Luckily, disease forced me to kick that habit.  I never used to remember EXACTLY WHAT kind of foolishness I spewed or risky behaviour I’d tried to TEMPORARILY boost my ego.  Yes, I’m STILL in therapy.  

I don’t show people my underwear or discuss explicit ‘none of your business’ kind of stuff in search of acceptance anymore, but I STILL overshare.  After such an episode I PANIC.  Did I say TOO much?  Will that come back to BITE me?  WHY did I say THAT?  What’s WRONG with me? CAN I TRUST THIS person or THESE people?  For the love of God, NADINE, you KNOW better!  I constantly cut myself down in the RAW feeling of the aftermath.  I feel like I’ve wounded my very soul.

Yup, I see the irony that this blog is all about me and my inward struggles.  Why not find ONE person to talk to rather than telling all to the ether of cyberspace? I don’t know. I’ve got issues and I’m too tired to judge my decisions. It’s also ironic that I’m a minister. I stand in front of my church and am pointed out and asked to say something in social situations SO OFTEN that it’s a wonder I haven’t been locked up.

Finding and nurturing healthy relationships is REALLY REALLY HARD WORK.  I turn to things like the internet where I can say the things that I WANT certain people to know without ACTUALLY telling them. I’m in a public job so I can FEEL LIKE I am likable and BELONG even while I’m depressed and lonely.

Sad. I know it. Awareness is everything.  I know more today than that kid I was 30 years ago. She was a certifiable MESS who created reasons for friends to disappear.  I’m still a mess, but a MATURE one.  I know to seek help and I’m learning to notice the people who stick by me even when I am TOO MUCH.  

Today, I just want to say THANK YOU – to all the people who are willing to stick around and gently remind people LIKE me when our slip is showing. You are the BEST.  Praise to the Lord Almighty! Can I hear an AMEN?