Speaking humbly from MY personal life experiences, when relating to others it is MOST helpful to speak with sensitivity, delicacy, thoughtfulness, and use discernment about NOT ONLY our choice and placement of words but also the TONE in which we say them.  It’s basic AND important.  

It is also hard to MAINTAIN this kind of grace in situations of extended social exposure (INTROVERT 🤚), particularly if you need to PEE, or if there is something ELSE PRESSING on your schedule or weighing on your mind.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks on project NADINE. My basic soft skills have been tested CONTINUOUSLY for days, and I’m tired. My ability to be polite or even DISCRETE are maxed out. I should NOT be with people right now.

T’is the season and I DON’T have that option. My line of work (parish pastor) demands a certain FINESSE and understanding in the handling of OTHER people’s feelings and opinions about things that are deeply spiritual, theological, ethical, philosophical AND about where to put extra chairs, how often to water the flowers, and whether or not to leave the washroom lights on the AUTOMATIC setting. All important issues.

Tact is a practical and important skill for anyone interacting with humans. 🙄 BUT, (maybe this is the exhaustion talking) sometimes I wonder if anyone ELSE worries as much about trying to be kind in ALL circumstances?  I mean, obviously, if you stand outside my house you’d know I yell at my husband and I sarcastically guilt trip my teens (It’s a family dynamic thing -all six of us engage this way…yes, I know. Shut-up).  It’s part of our complex stress decompression!  Say what you will. It works for us. But I REALLY DO take great effort to be kind toward and present with, well, everyone ELSE.

My baseline feeling is CATASTROPHE.  I live with my adrenaline on HIGH so often that it makes me physically SICK.  In this constant state of threat, I usually find myself in fight or fawn mode. Depending largely on who I THINK is attacking me.  At home I RELENTLESSLY argue to defend my honour.  OUT THERE, I COMPLETELY acquiesce to avoid conflict.  

If my brain perceives it necessary to dissociate  I get a TEMPORARY wall of protection.  But when all is quiet and the dust has settled, I begin to actively RE-LIVE the anxiety of my day. It EATS ME UP in an,  ‘Oh HELL, what did I do now?’ kind of way.  I assume any HINT of a negative word, a look, a sigh, did your eyebrow just twitch? – MUST mean abject disapproval. I am CLEARLY a disappointment. It bothers me – why? Because MY brain NEEDS constant reassurance that I’m accepted and will not be abandoned.  I NEED to feel VALUED and LIKED or else the sky is falling. These are CHALLENGING traits to work around in my pastoring BUT my professional switch does a good job.

Despite the praise, the hugs, the smiles, the pats on the back – I can NEVER shake the suspicion that I’m reading it all WRONG, that no one actually cares about me. It’s even worse when NO approval is shared, when I’m clearly taken for granted. This is my JOB, after all. God help me if someone articulates something negative!

Tomorrow, my psychiatrist will ask me what’s up.

“Oh – just life. You know- an uprising at home, a zoo of pets that cost too much, broken appliances, no time to clean the house, no me time, no money, Yada Yada (can I say that or is it copyrighted? Sorry Seinfeld), hospital, Hospice, and death of a parishioner I love, bereavement visits regular Sunday Church, funeral home visitation, funeral service, adult study group, blah  Blah, BLAH all in a row.

He’ll say. ‘It’s JUST a JOB, Nadine’.  I can’t tell you how I will reply – you guess – 2 words. It starts and ends with ‘f’.

Kindness. Maybe a little empathy, some compassion sprinkled in. Using soft skills COULD make the difference between someone like me being able to LET GO and move on or breaking into a MESS of pieces. May all our words be tactful, and all our interactions be deliberately charitable.