"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14

My Dad used to say I was happiest when I was miserable.  I’m NOT saying he was right, but maybe I am MORE comfortable in the FAMILIAR terrain of misery than I am in unfettered happiness. It IS a TASK to ALWAYS be on guard, trying to present an acceptable picture of myself and my family – ESPECIALLY during the holidays.  The inner struggle to appear conventional and meet social standards is MORE exhausting than surrender. But it’s how I roll.

I’ve already hoisted the drawbridge and covered the peek holes.  I’m determined to balk the barrage of uninvited speculation that I already IMAGINE is heading my way. This is a classic defense mechanism. WALL UP.  My counter attack is being RESENTFUL and DEFENSIVE.  Isn’t that precious?

It’s NOT what some may think. I do LOVE and cherish connecting with family, friends, and my parishioners during the Holy weeks of Christmastide.  It’s my OWN preconception that I’m being judged, being deemed unacceptable or somehow insufficient, that DOES ME IN. 

I hope I don’t come off as being full of myself or conceited – I NEED others to LIKE me and AFFIRM me CONSTANTLY.   But are people REALLY looking THAT closely? I am mortified by any HINT of disapproval that I expect from others as they survey the chaos of my life, my parenting, my marriage. I cross my fingers and hope they know that we are UNIQUE. There’s nothing wrong with being unique! You can’t equate apples to oranges or sugar plums to lemons, right?

Stopping the bombardment of GUILT and negativity is difficult territory, especially for people like me who have just ENOUGH self doubt to REALLY engage in a battle between personal truth and conjecture.

The ANNUAL Christmas FAILURES began a couple Sundays ago.  I forgot to charge the phone used to record our church services and WILDLY ran home in a panic (across the street) to rip the charger away from my unsuspecting daughter in order to give the device 15 minutes of JUICE before the ushers would come looking for it.

I’d totally forgotten about flowers that had been tucked into the fridge.  DEAD funeral flowers are NO JOKE. Especially since they were saved to honour a church matriarch one last time.  ALL the FEELINGS. I gave the ushers the WRONG hymn numbers to post, causing mayhem.

I forgot to remind someone to light the altar candles, so they were lit WELL into the service. One child asked if she could be EXCUSED from MY children’s message. How cute.

My sermon was long-winded and I could see people drifting. The stole I wear, symbolizing the heavy yoke of Christ as he carried the cross kept slipping off my shoulders until I got SO annoyed that I whipped it OFF and threw it on my chair. I was out of breath.  After service, when the robe came off and I was walking through the hallway, I found that my fly was UNDONE.  

At coffee hour I noticed the unwoven ends of my sweater HANGING out.  It was a sweater I made – screaming out a message of my CLEAR incompetency.  Hmm.  Unwoven ends.  I like that as a metaphor.

Later that day the local churches were having a live Nativity with REAL animals and costumed kids acting out the Christmas story. I was in charge. My help couldn’t make it. LOTS of people dropped out sick. SO – LAST minute EVERYTHING. Me and my new volunteer helper ended up as part of the costumed troupe. We were standing next to our little holy family, she an angel and me a shepherd, directly BEHIND the rear end of a cow. We were in REAL danger of getting pooed on the WHOLE time. I swore under my breath hoping no one could hear me and I wouldn’t be struck down. That day required extra anxiety pills and MULTIPLE pep talks. 

Shortly after this I became ill (SURPRISE!)  and had no choice but to ASK for help to finish up pre-Christmas visits and cheer basket deliveries. I didn’t JUST feel judged. I felt GUILTY and ANGRY at myself and anyone who dared say a word about it.

Shame, Shame, SHAME.

It continues at home.

We spend a small FORTUNE on vet bills – so what’s happening? What am I doing WRONG? In a matter of days, the cat started puking, UNNATURALLY, and repeatedly and our old dog started to veer OFF the tracks and was acting FUNNY.  Is that ICH disease on the angel fish? WHY is there blood in the guinea pig cage? The gerbils attacked and wounded each other AGAIN. The giant snail retracted into its shell, is it dying? Is it dead? I dunno. It really looks kinda dead…

Everyday I fight with myself about all the ‘SHOULDS’ my teens would need to meet in order to fit into the social norm of their age groups. For instance, they should

-be done school by now

-drive

-socialize

-know life skills

-be practicing life skills

-be working

-be cleaning, helping, doing little things for themselves

-wear typical clothing, or at least something more than pajamas

-go to church (mine)

-be confirmed (me again)

-have FAITH (again, this one is my hang up) 

-understand the value of money – everything is NOT disposable

-see doctors, dentists, hairdressers by their OWN volition

Although I DON’T necessarily AGREE with everything on this list, being AWARE this list exists is a crushing blow to my mothering skills.

SPEAKING of SHAME, my children Should NOT

-See my husband and I  fighting or hear us shouting

-Know our debt, or our problems

-Parent us

-Mediate between us

HUMILIATING.

I have plenty of reasons to stay AWAY from family gatherings.

Our kids DON’T have proper attire for church, sleep, winter, or even daytime. We can’t afford it (due to our insane pet related bills! They eat BETTER and have better health care than we do!)

The animals are impossible to care for when traveling. I have FEELINGS about asking anyone to pet sit for us.

Our Truck is too SMALL for us.  But it’s what we have.

We can’t take the Trailer because it is STILL in disrepair.

We can’t have people OVER because we CAN’T hire a housekeeper,  because we CAN’T  get the house in order WELL enough to let someone ELSE try.

Everything is broken or garbage. Our refrigerator and pantry are gambles I suggest you DON’T take.

Andy and I don’t get enough sleep or enough time alone.  

All this self-assumed inadequacy wreaks havoc on our family’s 

Mental health. Anxiety, Anger. Impatience. Poor communication.  It all LEADS to feeling belittled and unheard, blaming and resentment. A TOXIC cocktail of pain and disgust. I dissociate.  I binge. I shut down and shut out. We ALL have our own crutches.

Tis’ the season. I read somewhere that animals NEED winter in order to rejuvenate, heal, and grow, many in the darkness of hibernation or brumation.  It said something about how people could EMBRACE this time too. To dismiss the distractions of the bright light.  We winter by hunkering down. We are drawn to warm blankets, hot drinks and cozy fires. It CAN be a time to dig deep. To REFLECT on the past and look forward to the potential of the future.  It is a time for REST and for waiting.

Sometimes I wonder what God was up to ordaining the likes of me to share the good news of God’s new and growing creation. To preach about the goodness of life and the power of humility and love. To take YOUR hand, give it a squeeze and remind YOU that you are NOT alone.

God is with us NOW just as God has ALWAYS been.  We remember the dark, dank, messy birth of Jesus, Mary’s resolve, strength, and resilience, Joseph’s humility, patience and love of God.  

In the midst of guilt, shame, and complicated human relationships, Jesus was born.   Our brains and bodies belong to God who KNOWS us and LOVES us and CELEBRATES our UNIQUENESS and our SACREDNESS. No problem is TOO big, no hurt TOO overwhelming that God will abandon you. I know this to be TRUE because God has walked beside me through all the corners of HELL.

I hope that this year we will walk together somewhere more pleasant. 

Misery loves company because the company of misery is God.

Blessings friends, and great BIG ((HUGS)).