Casting negativity is my coping ‘GO TO’.  If something hurts, I accept it, but with a certain degree of self-blame.  If something feels good, I don’t know what to do with it so I PICK it apart until it SMARTS. Being conscious of this is a God-given gift that might, eventually, help me embrace that  I’m simply a HUMAN BEING, experiencing the peculiarities of humanity.

A member of my congregation stood on my porch with a holiday gift.  The gift was very much appreciated but his WORDS took me by surprise.  He said, “There’s something DIFFERENT about you. You’ve changed. I don’t know exactly how, but it is all positive. You are having a revitalizing effect on people.”

Wait, WHAT? I’ve been thinking about this for days. Of course my mind pulls me to an accusatory position.  ‘What was WRONG with me before? What if I can’t live up to his expectations?’ The pressure is ON. 

But, what if he’s right?

I agree that something HAS changed. It didn’t occur to me that others might perceive it while I’m not even sure of it myself.

A number of months ago I made a BIG decision to STOP the search for that ‘one more START-OVER place’ to add to the list of parishes served before I reach a reasonable retirement age.  I have 10-15 years+ – plenty of time regardless of HOW it all pans out.

I’d had a rough go with depression and my personal family side of things.  During THAT time, my congregation started a ‘VISIONING’ project in which I felt some insecurity and realized I do not have 100% support from EVERYONE I serve.  Ingredients for a perfect internal storm.

A couple dissenting voices ring so much LOUDER and linger WAY longer than dozens of affirmations.  My innermost self has an overwhelming need to be accepted, to please people.  The naysayers hurt my ego RATHER DRAMATICALLY.  Cue the downward spiral.

It took awhile.  Horror. Anger. Lashing out. Blaming. Self punishment. These ALWAYS come first.  After a time I settled down. I decided, church aside, to focus on what feels RIGHT for my family.

I can’t put my finger on an EXACT time, but I knew the Spirit was with me,  poured into me, CRADLED me, consoled me, and re-lit my inner soul fire, my Godspark, and with it came a NEW peace with myself and with my life.  That must be what my kind parishioner was talking about.  Peace begets peace.  It SPREADS.

I continue to struggle with depression. There’s a pill for that.  Even so, I have felt noticeably LESS concerned for how people feel about me in general.  Perhaps I’ve simply started to grow up. MATURITY is setting in. I’m savouring moments MORE than dissecting them.  I’m throwing caution to the wind and allowing my TRUER self OUT – the power tripping jerks have problems of their own.  Sometimes I’ll get caught in the crossfire.  NO ONE is 100% of everything necessary for EVERYONE.

Life is full of learning. I’m grateful for the opportunity.  God is GOOD. May we look forward with HOPE and live graciously and GENTLY with one another.