Smalltalk is hard.  Some topics hit deep water and sink quickly, especially when it comes to questions about parenting and home life. Perhaps it’s because of my mental health challenges or just my introverted tendencies.

It doesn’t help that I live in (what feels to me like) a fishbowl environment.  As a pastor in a small village, it can FEEL like everyone knows my business. (If that’s true, I’m sure nobody analyzes my every move, RIGHT?) 😬

Unresolved shame is ALWAYS lurking.  It always keeps me tethered. I usually give dismissive or extremely vague answers to well- meaning people for whom, I’M CERTAIN, breezy questions are normative. After all, it’s a staple for basic human connection.

It’s me (perhaps in my disordered thinking) that assumes people CARE too much about my answers. (It must be very annoying and off-putting to others when I cut the smalltalk game short). I’m the one who feels judgment instead of accepting simple social pleasantries.

This time of year, it seems EVERYONE is asking about what kids are doing next. In June, we saw a barrage of high-school graduation photos from proud parents and grandparents on every social media platform. Every photo caused me a baseless ping of anxiety, panic, and disparagement.

I struggle with feelings of parental inadequacy and workplace imposter syndrome. Granted, everyone, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum of mental health, probably feel a little ‘LESS THAN’ from time to time.  With BPD, I have a hard time sorting it through, capping the negativity, and shutting down the feelings of overwhelming shame and resentment. I can’t LET GO. 

I am extremely sensitive to remarks with even the TINIEST hint of finger pointing.  I long for my shortcomings to go entirely unnoticed. Sometimes, little digs escalate (in my head) into gaping bottomless pits.

I have to push myself to take stock. Nobody is living THEIR perfect life. 

I have so much to be thankful for.  Focusing on gratitude improves not only my passing moods but also my health and my life.

I have four teenaged children who love and trust their family, who are concerned for the world, and treat God’s creation with respect.  Each is growing up at their own pace and on their own terms. Yup – we are far removed from what is typical for many other families, but our design is RIGHT for US.

College, university, jobs, and extracurriculars are frequent conversation topics with extended family and anyone not living under our roof.  I am proud of my kids for who they are. It is my dysfunctional fear that keeps me from sharing their plans. Sharing doesn’t have to involve COMPARING.  God created us to be unique. Diversity is what unifies us. 

The world is far from accepting differences – variance in race, ethnicity, culture, gender, age, ability, and social status are issues that need enormous work before true equity can be realized.  Keep at it. Community activity, work associations, church, friends, and FAMILY are all starting points where sparks develop and momentum from God’s indwelling goodness begin to take off.

My family is a gift and a grace.  Our collective struggles are small in the context of a difficult world.  Although this truth doesn’t solve my aversion to smalltalk, it does remind me that we are NEVER ALONE. Our story is always worth sharing because it may help someone else to see JUST THAT.

Smalltalk isn’t going to disappear.  I will do my best to embrace it for the sake of relationship building. Just know that the look on my face, my tense body, and general discomfort aren’t personal. It’s me, not you. Here’s an awkward but truly heartfelt ((HUG)).

God bless