“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” Matthew 6:25

“If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and night wraps itself around me,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For it was you who formed my inward parts; you who knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.” Psalm 139:11-14

“They don’t make dresses for sausages.”  That’s what a dear old lady in my Mom’s church choir used to say.  When I was a teenager, I thought she was a cute, little Finn lady with a great sense of humour.  She was short and looked ordinary enough to me – but I get it now.  She was right.  They DON’T make dresses for sausages.  I have entered my SAUSAGE ERA.  I’m a jumbo sausage.  More specifically, I am a HOT  Jumbo, Great Canadian Meat, Gluten Free, HIGH protein sausage. 

I should say I’ve been here before.  I had a brief reprieve from jumbo life when my health required a very restrictive diet.  For a few years, I was more of a CHIPOLATA sausage – small and skinny.  However, I have reentered the Jumbo arena, and let me tell you,  it sucks.

Body dysmorphia is a terrible LIAR.  When I was super thin, I was convinced I should be even thinner.  Whenever my pants size goes up,  I think I’m too heavy.  Either way, SHAME has me in its grip.  I wish I could take what Jesus says to heart and not give a crap about what my body looks like or, like King David, be grateful to be living in it for the gift that IT IS.

Sometimes, okay – NEVER I think about my body as a gift from God.  It’s hard to imagine why the DIVINE would find it a pleasing place to dwell, but God chooses it ANYWAY.  It doesn’t work as well as other bodies.  It IS worse for wear.  I’ve treated it poorly.  There are accumulated and genetic health issues I simply can not fix.  Most days, I am angry at my body, actually angry at MYSELF, and I’m a very long way from forgiveness and healing. 

A couple of months ago, while trying on my spring and summer clothes, I realized I had gained considerable weight over the preceding two years.  They were times filled with EXTRA STRESS that affected my self-worth, my family life, my social life, and my work.  I’d given up alcohol (long story) several years before, so I distracted myself with FOOD instead.  Apparently, eating a WHOLE chocolate bar every night adds up, and menopause weight is no JOKE, especially when it comes to stress eating. 

Depression is a reality in my little life. It ebbs and flows in currents that start as an ACHE in my heart that quickly takes hold of my brain. It turns me into an actress. I stop living and fall into the shadows of despair and self-loathing.  It’s  HARD to remember that the blanket of darkness that enshrouds me is NOT as it seems. The weight is a cosmic hug and a warmth emanating from heavenly light. This ISN’T just Bible Study stuff or things I HAVE to say because I’m in the God business.  God REALLY knows me and you  too.  God loves me and God loves YOU.  We don’t have to act, or change, or do ANYTHING at all.  Be yourself!  I am a living, breathing, hot, sweating, extra large creation OF GOD.

I’m good enough. I’m strong enough. And gosh darn it, people like me –  (SNL – anyone? Personal affirmations in the mirror? Nevermind)

I’m an agent of my Maker. Even if I’m a shape-shifter like the blobby Barbapapas, I used to watch on TV. ‘Clickety Click, Barba trick’- their bodies morph into whatever is needed – thin, thick, tall, short, big, small, narrow, or wide.  Who cares.  God doesn’t.

The world needs us so very much to be loving.  Love yourself so you can dig deep and find joy and peace in loving others with everything you are. No holds barred. 

PS. I’m still going on a diet and beginning a new exercise routine. It’s a way to love my body.  Chin up.