So, I’m writing about my mental health AGAIN. Not to worry, please. I AM OKAY. I forgot about the Family Day holiday and failed to refill my medications – so I’m NAKED (figuratively). For some reason, the pharmacy DOES NOT give out medical narcotics in large quantities (I know, right?) so it’s easy to suddenly run out if I get distracted. I’m off kilter TODAY but I know THIS, at least, is temporary.
It’s too bad that I am currently in the middle of an EXTENDED mood episode. Depression is a strange beast. I shut off and fly on autopilot through my necessary working hours – a hollow puppet of myself entertaining my audience with laughter and fabricated presence. People are cared for, sermons get written. I am thankful for every POSITIVE moment. When I’m like this, my whole self is not required to get it done. But, without my WHOLE self, tasks and interpersonal work are lacklustre.
This depressive state bleeds into ALL the nooks and crannies of my life – my family sees the worst of IT.
All it takes is one little stressor – a WORD. A LOOK. A THOUGHT. A BAD DREAM. A DISAPPOINTMENT. A REJECTION. A reaction from someone else I CAN’T control. My mood plummets.
It starts as a sweeping SADNESS that pushes behind my eyes, threatening tears. My chest becomes FULL with melancholy. In the pit of my BEING, grows a feeling of DREAD. My stomach reacts with nausea. Terrible mournfulness reaches up to SQUEEZE at my lungs, shortens my breaths, makes me gasp in the air, and the tears escape. My head becomes a pressure pot and my body dejected, my spirit broken. What begins as a quick change in mood SITS for hours, days, weeks, months. Immovable depression.
But LIFE moves on. I take on the semblance of myself and ride it out. There’s NOTHING I can do to appease the monsters of anxiety, shame, guilt, and anger.
I’ve learned to hide it. To smile. To DO the THINGS. But when I’m in their grip, I know they are just waiting to launch another direct attack when I’m ALONE.
Before I knew about mood disorders, I thought I was just weird. I’m STILL weird, but now it has nothing to do with my mental illness. I don’t know if that’s positive or negative.
Several weeks ago I saw a beautiful rainbow over Lake Huron while I was driving to a meeting. I was already into this bout of depression. There had been DAYS upon days of sunless, drab and dreary, rainy weather. The bow in the sky came with the first SUNSHINE in a long time. Everyone at the meeting was commenting on it.
Later I read multiple social media posts and saw a number of pictures of that SAME rainbow, a sign in the sky pointing to our intrinsic connection to each other and the planet. Images were shared from ALL OVER the county of Huron. It was remarkable to see the excitement and the relief found in a SHARED experience of beauty. Its profundity wasn’t lost on my depression.
We were talking about it that night as I was tucking my neurodivergent, now 20 year old daughter into bed. I ACCIDENTALLY leaned in to kiss her and quickly pulled away when I realized my mistake. She HASN’T allowed that kind of touch since she was a small child. But she said, “It’s okay, Mommy, you can kiss me”. RAINBOW MAGIC. The holiest of moments come UNBIDDEN.
I think this depression is beginning to lift. I wanted to write about the rainbow almost a month ago. Last night a friend told me she’d seen a picture of me on Facebook and she thought I looked powerful. POWERFUL. Her words SHOOK my tired bones. The image was from Sunday’s video. I was preaching about our solidarity as God’s children, Christ dwelling in us and through us at our best moments AND in our dejection. So many people, so much hurting, and so much LOVE to share. A thousand years are like one day in eternity. Perspective is everything. In a world full of ALL the things, rainbow connections are still beautiful and sacred. Thanks be to God.
The Friday before the New 2024 Year celebration was the twelfth and FINAL day of Christmas. The following Sunday was the Epiphany, commemorating the arrival of distinguished foreigners from the East, who were WISE in watching the sky and attuned to ancient prophecy. They made it to Bethlehem, where they finally set eyes on the child whose birth was signaled by the appearance of a PECULIAR star. The star remained and burned brightly above the infant Jesus. A sign of wonder to behold.
Although Christmastide has ended it is still the season after Epiphany – a season of revelation and discovery before we delve into observing Christ’s road to a cross, a story of suffering and salvation through him.
For a while now, I’ve been reflecting on the entirety of the yuletide season. As I’ve gotten a LITTLE older, I am learning to accept that nothing EVER goes exactly as planned. Personally, Christmas has never really been the same since my brother’s 2012, November passing.
Each year, as I begin to pull out our Christmas decorations, I think about HIS funeral because it corresponds with THAT TIME. We were in Orleans, Ontario at the Lutheran Church of the Resurrection. The WHOLE chancel area behind the altar, the focal point of the worship service, is surrounded by floor to ceiling clear WINDOWS. It felt like we were sitting outside among the trees.
As my Pastor father preached it began to snow the FIRST snow of the season. It wasn’t a gentle, slow, large flaked, magical snowfall, rather, it blew VIOLENTLY, harder and harder as my father spoke, as if God was making a nod to my brother’s adventurous and turbulent spirit, a final, gusty and powerful leave- taking. It FELT like my brother’s spirit was WITH us. It STILL FEELS LIKE his spirit is WITH us. I’ve heard countless stories of felt presence of loved ones passed – butterflies, cardinals, feathers, unexpected items reappearing from nowhere. And WHY NOT? The spirit that dwells in each of us is ETERNAL. Signs and wonders to behold.
The STAR at Jesus’ birth was a sign pointing to the wonder of God’s PRESENCE born among us. This SAME presence is ALWAYS with us. That’s what Jesus promises. We are never alone. The Holy Spirit fills us, teaches us, accompanies us, and guides us. The spirit dwells IN us. Christmas tends to heighten my awareness of Christ’s indwelling, the Holy Spirit that fans the flame of my soul, and is part of my Christ-mind, my inner Godspark.
Two thousand years ago, John the Baptist, who was renowned for his preaching, and later for preparing the world for the expected Messiah, baptized people with WATER a sign of REPENTANCE. John encouraged people to look their sin in the eye and make the CHOICE to grow past it.
To repent, in Christian terms, means to intentionally change your mind and turn around, to head in a NEW direction that contributes to an ever better and more intimate relationship with God. For me, this suggests choosing to notice the voice of the Holy Spirit calling to me from WITHIN myself.
Christians believe that during baptism the extraordinary Holy Spirit enters into ordinary water and washes all our sins away with a promise that we are God’s children, adopted to continue the work of Christ in God’s ongoing creation, and that we will be forgiven whenever we repent and turn to God in truth and hope.
We consider baptism a divine gift. Not everyone has the OPPORTUNITY or the WILL to receive this gift. Not everyone who IS baptized recognizes or chooses to unwrap and embrace the indwelling quality of the Holy Spirit. Life itself comes from being FILLED with the breath, the holy wind, the Spirit of God. It’s what ANIMATES us at the moment of our creation. The presence of the Holy Spirit is NATURALLY in ALL of us, baptized or not. Baptism can give us the special ability and the will to seek and perpetuate our own sacred origins.
What animates YOU? What do you equate with signs of divine sparks dwelling in you? The Spirit burns from within. Sometimes we feel the urgency. Sometimes we simply see the glow and feel the WARMTH.
In spite of all the things that didn’t happen the way they were planned this Christmas- Jesus’ paradise approaches. It GLIMMERS. The Holy Spirit keeps on showing up. That warm, loving, energized feeling of hope BURSTING forth from our own inner depths – awakened countless times in me over the last month or so.
When sharing a meal, my son carefully cut a piece of lemon meringue pie for my neurodiverse daughter, who lives with MANY challenges. He gently invited her to try to pick it up and put it on her plate because, “I really think you can do it yourself. It’s all lined up. Give it a try. Here’s a good fork. I’ll standby in case you need help.” And she DID IT! My son empowered her with KINDNESS. The magnitude of this moment may escape you but it overwhelms ME with spiritual glimmers of gratitude, hope, love and even joy. Into THIS mother’s arguing, disappointed, shame filled and exhausted heart, the Spirit WELLS up and whispers something new. A NEW dawn on a familiar journey. The WILL to keep going. It changes everything from the inside out.
At my church, it was the first time since Christmas 2019 that Christmas Eve service was in person or not stormed out. A flush of gladness swept through me at the sight of a full church, families united, children now grown, and hushed Candlelight.
These moments of CONNECTION, belonging, familiarity – that’s the Spirit pulling us together HEART to HEART. When we see the dignity of one another- that IS divine recognition from within. Signs of wonder. They refresh us.
In the year ahead, we can embrace a little bit of the freshness of something new. We are gathered together and brooded over in HOLY ways we cannot understand. The sacred moves US to create hope in ways we cannot understand.
We are the holy undivided family that encommpasses the whole of creation. We come from the same source, we BELONG to one another. How will we reach out to help others move away from lives of falseness, hate, and hurt and be restored to the way of truth and love? How will we invite them into repentance, reparation, and reconciliation? How will we work together to create a future based on mutual care, liberty and justice? Can we listen to one another with LOVE this year? I think that renewal, the opening of hearts to the divine, IS the WAY to restore ALL parts of the Creator’s beloved community. Can we remember that we are still washed in STARSHINE, born from unfathomable POWER and filled with holy light that SHINES ever brighter as we SHARE it? I hope this year that YOU will behold the signs and wonders of divine love that shine brightly and eternally. Check out the night sky and watch the hidden tenderness of humanity. Signs and wonders ARE everywhere.
Casting negativity is my coping ‘GO TO’. If something hurts, I accept it, but with a certain degree of self-blame. If something feels good, I don’t know what to do with it so I PICK it apart until it SMARTS. Being conscious of this is a God-given gift that might, eventually, help me embrace that I’m simply a HUMAN BEING, experiencing the peculiarities of humanity.
A member of my congregation stood on my porch with a holiday gift. The gift was very much appreciated but his WORDS took me by surprise. He said, “There’s something DIFFERENT about you. You’ve changed. I don’t know exactly how, but it is all positive. You are having a revitalizing effect on people.”
Wait, WHAT? I’ve been thinking about this for days. Of course my mind pulls me to an accusatory position. ‘What was WRONG with me before? What if I can’t live up to his expectations?’ The pressure is ON.
But, what if he’s right?
I agree that something HAS changed. It didn’t occur to me that others might perceive it while I’m not even sure of it myself.
A number of months ago I made a BIG decision to STOP the search for that ‘one more START-OVER place’ to add to the list of parishes served before I reach a reasonable retirement age. I have 10-15 years+ – plenty of time regardless of HOW it all pans out.
I’d had a rough go with depression and my personal family side of things. During THAT time, my congregation started a ‘VISIONING’ project in which I felt some insecurity and realized I do not have 100% support from EVERYONE I serve. Ingredients for a perfect internal storm.
A couple dissenting voices ring so much LOUDER and linger WAY longer than dozens of affirmations. My innermost self has an overwhelming need to be accepted, to please people. The naysayers hurt my ego RATHER DRAMATICALLY. Cue the downward spiral.
It took awhile. Horror. Anger. Lashing out. Blaming. Self punishment. These ALWAYS come first. After a time I settled down. I decided, church aside, to focus on what feels RIGHT for my family.
I can’t put my finger on an EXACT time, but I knew the Spirit was with me, poured into me, CRADLED me, consoled me, and re-lit my inner soul fire, my Godspark, and with it came a NEW peace with myself and with my life. That must be what my kind parishioner was talking about. Peace begets peace. It SPREADS.
I continue to struggle with depression. There’s a pill for that. Even so, I have felt noticeably LESS concerned for how people feel about me in general. Perhaps I’ve simply started to grow up. MATURITY is setting in. I’m savouring moments MORE than dissecting them. I’m throwing caution to the wind and allowing my TRUER self OUT – the power tripping jerks have problems of their own. Sometimes I’ll get caught in the crossfire. NO ONE is 100% of everything necessary for EVERYONE.
Life is full of learning. I’m grateful for the opportunity. God is GOOD. May we look forward with HOPE and live graciously and GENTLY with one another.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
My Dad used to say I was happiest when I was miserable. I’m NOT saying he was right, but maybe I am MORE comfortable in the FAMILIAR terrain of misery than I am in unfettered happiness. It IS a TASK to ALWAYS be on guard, trying to present an acceptable picture of myself and my family – ESPECIALLY during the holidays. The inner struggle to appear conventional and meet social standards is MORE exhausting than surrender. But it’s how I roll.
I’ve already hoisted the drawbridge and covered the peek holes. I’m determined to balk the barrage of uninvited speculation that I already IMAGINE is heading my way. This is a classic defense mechanism. WALL UP. My counter attack is being RESENTFUL and DEFENSIVE. Isn’t that precious?
It’s NOT what some may think. I do LOVE and cherish connecting with family, friends, and my parishioners during the Holy weeks of Christmastide. It’s my OWN preconception that I’m being judged, being deemed unacceptable or somehow insufficient, that DOES ME IN.
I hope I don’t come off as being full of myself or conceited – I NEED others to LIKE me and AFFIRM me CONSTANTLY. But are people REALLY looking THAT closely? I am mortified by any HINT of disapproval that I expect from others as they survey the chaos of my life, my parenting, my marriage. I cross my fingers and hope they know that we are UNIQUE. There’s nothing wrong with being unique! You can’t equate apples to oranges or sugar plums to lemons, right?
Stopping the bombardment of GUILT and negativity is difficult territory, especially for people like me who have just ENOUGH self doubt to REALLY engage in a battle between personal truth and conjecture.
The ANNUAL Christmas FAILURES began a couple Sundays ago. I forgot to charge the phone used to record our church services and WILDLY ran home in a panic (across the street) to rip the charger away from my unsuspecting daughter in order to give the device 15 minutes of JUICE before the ushers would come looking for it.
I’d totally forgotten about flowers that had been tucked into the fridge. DEAD funeral flowers are NO JOKE. Especially since they were saved to honour a church matriarch one last time. ALL the FEELINGS. I gave the ushers the WRONG hymn numbers to post, causing mayhem.
I forgot to remind someone to light the altar candles, so they were lit WELL into the service. One child asked if she could be EXCUSED from MY children’s message. How cute.
My sermon was long-winded and I could see people drifting. The stole I wear, symbolizing the heavy yoke of Christ as he carried the cross kept slipping off my shoulders until I got SO annoyed that I whipped it OFF and threw it on my chair. I was out of breath. After service, when the robe came off and I was walking through the hallway, I found that my fly was UNDONE.
At coffee hour I noticed the unwoven ends of my sweater HANGING out. It was a sweater I made – screaming out a message of my CLEAR incompetency. Hmm. Unwoven ends. I like that as a metaphor.
Later that day the local churches were having a live Nativity with REAL animals and costumed kids acting out the Christmas story. I was in charge. My help couldn’t make it. LOTS of people dropped out sick. SO – LAST minute EVERYTHING. Me and my new volunteer helper ended up as part of the costumed troupe. We were standing next to our little holy family, she an angel and me a shepherd, directly BEHIND the rear end of a cow. We were in REAL danger of getting pooed on the WHOLE time. I swore under my breath hoping no one could hear me and I wouldn’t be struck down. That day required extra anxiety pills and MULTIPLE pep talks.
Shortly after this I became ill (SURPRISE!) and had no choice but to ASK for help to finish up pre-Christmas visits and cheer basket deliveries. I didn’t JUST feel judged. I felt GUILTY and ANGRY at myself and anyone who dared say a word about it.
Shame, Shame, SHAME.
It continues at home.
We spend a small FORTUNE on vet bills – so what’s happening? What am I doing WRONG? In a matter of days, the cat started puking, UNNATURALLY, and repeatedly and our old dog started to veer OFF the tracks and was acting FUNNY. Is that ICH disease on the angel fish? WHY is there blood in the guinea pig cage? The gerbils attacked and wounded each other AGAIN. The giant snail retracted into its shell, is it dying? Is it dead? I dunno. It really looks kinda dead…
Everyday I fight with myself about all the ‘SHOULDS’ my teens would need to meet in order to fit into the social norm of their age groups. For instance, they should
-be done school by now
-drive
-socialize
-know life skills
-be practicing life skills
-be working
-be cleaning, helping, doing little things for themselves
-wear typical clothing, or at least something more than pajamas
-go to church (mine)
-be confirmed (me again)
-have FAITH (again, this one is my hang up)
-understand the value of money – everything is NOT disposable
-see doctors, dentists, hairdressers by their OWN volition
Although I DON’T necessarily AGREE with everything on this list, being AWARE this list exists is a crushing blow to my mothering skills.
SPEAKING of SHAME, my children Should NOT
-See my husband and I fighting or hear us shouting
-Know our debt, or our problems
-Parent us
-Mediate between us
HUMILIATING.
I have plenty of reasons to stay AWAY from family gatherings.
Our kids DON’T have proper attire for church, sleep, winter, or even daytime. We can’t afford it (due to our insane pet related bills! They eat BETTER and have better health care than we do!)
The animals are impossible to care for when traveling. I have FEELINGS about asking anyone to pet sit for us.
Our Truck is too SMALL for us. But it’s what we have.
We can’t take the Trailer because it is STILL in disrepair.
We can’t have people OVER because we CAN’T hire a housekeeper, because we CAN’T get the house in order WELL enough to let someone ELSE try.
Everything is broken or garbage. Our refrigerator and pantry are gambles I suggest you DON’T take.
Andy and I don’t get enough sleep or enough time alone.
All this self-assumed inadequacy wreaks havoc on our family’s
Mental health. Anxiety, Anger. Impatience. Poor communication. It all LEADS to feeling belittled and unheard, blaming and resentment. A TOXIC cocktail of pain and disgust. I dissociate. I binge. I shut down and shut out. We ALL have our own crutches.
Tis’ the season. I read somewhere that animals NEED winter in order to rejuvenate, heal, and grow, many in the darkness of hibernation or brumation. It said something about how people could EMBRACE this time too. To dismiss the distractions of the bright light. We winter by hunkering down. We are drawn to warm blankets, hot drinks and cozy fires. It CAN be a time to dig deep. To REFLECT on the past and look forward to the potential of the future. It is a time for REST and for waiting.
Sometimes I wonder what God was up to ordaining the likes of me to share the good news of God’s new and growing creation. To preach about the goodness of life and the power of humility and love. To take YOUR hand, give it a squeeze and remind YOU that you are NOT alone.
God is with us NOW just as God has ALWAYS been. We remember the dark, dank, messy birth of Jesus, Mary’s resolve, strength, and resilience, Joseph’s humility, patience and love of God.
In the midst of guilt, shame, and complicated human relationships, Jesus was born. Our brains and bodies belong to God who KNOWS us and LOVES us and CELEBRATES our UNIQUENESS and our SACREDNESS. No problem is TOO big, no hurt TOO overwhelming that God will abandon you. I know this to be TRUE because God has walked beside me through all the corners of HELL.
I hope that this year we will walk together somewhere more pleasant.
Misery loves company because the company of misery is God.
Speaking humbly from MY personal life experiences, when relating to others it is MOST helpful to speak with sensitivity, delicacy, thoughtfulness, and use discernment about NOT ONLY our choice and placement of words but also the TONE in which we say them. It’s basic AND important.
It is also hard to MAINTAIN this kind of grace in situations of extended social exposure (INTROVERT 🤚), particularly if you need to PEE, or if there is something ELSE PRESSING on your schedule or weighing on your mind.
It’s been a hard couple of weeks on project NADINE. My basic soft skills have been tested CONTINUOUSLY for days, and I’m tired. My ability to be polite or even DISCRETE are maxed out. I should NOT be with people right now.
T’is the season and I DON’T have that option. My line of work (parish pastor) demands a certain FINESSE and understanding in the handling of OTHER people’s feelings and opinions about things that are deeply spiritual, theological, ethical, philosophical AND about where to put extra chairs, how often to water the flowers, and whether or not to leave the washroom lights on the AUTOMATIC setting. All important issues.
Tact is a practical and important skill for anyone interacting with humans. 🙄 BUT, (maybe this is the exhaustion talking) sometimes I wonder if anyone ELSE worries as much about trying to be kind in ALL circumstances? I mean, obviously, if you stand outside my house you’d know I yell at my husband and I sarcastically guilt trip my teens (It’s a family dynamic thing -all six of us engage this way…yes, I know. Shut-up). It’s part of our complex stress decompression! Say what you will. It works for us. But I REALLY DO take great effort to be kind toward and present with, well, everyone ELSE.
My baseline feeling is CATASTROPHE. I live with my adrenaline on HIGH so often that it makes me physically SICK. In this constant state of threat, I usually find myself in fight or fawn mode. Depending largely on who I THINK is attacking me. At home I RELENTLESSLY argue to defend my honour. OUT THERE, I COMPLETELY acquiesce to avoid conflict.
If my brain perceives it necessary to dissociate I get a TEMPORARY wall of protection. But when all is quiet and the dust has settled, I begin to actively RE-LIVE the anxiety of my day. It EATS ME UP in an, ‘Oh HELL, what did I do now?’ kind of way. I assume any HINT of a negative word, a look, a sigh, did your eyebrow just twitch? – MUST mean abject disapproval. I am CLEARLY a disappointment. It bothers me – why? Because MY brain NEEDS constant reassurance that I’m accepted and will not be abandoned. I NEED to feel VALUED and LIKED or else the sky is falling. These are CHALLENGING traits to work around in my pastoring BUT my professional switch does a good job.
Despite the praise, the hugs, the smiles, the pats on the back – I can NEVER shake the suspicion that I’m reading it all WRONG, that no one actually cares about me. It’s even worse when NO approval is shared, when I’m clearly taken for granted. This is my JOB, after all. God help me if someone articulates something negative!
Tomorrow, my psychiatrist will ask me what’s up.
“Oh – just life. You know- an uprising at home, a zoo of pets that cost too much, broken appliances, no time to clean the house, no me time, no money, Yada Yada (can I say that or is it copyrighted? Sorry Seinfeld), hospital, Hospice, and death of a parishioner I love, bereavement visits regular Sunday Church, funeral home visitation, funeral service, adult study group, blah Blah, BLAH all in a row.
He’ll say. ‘It’s JUST a JOB, Nadine’. I can’t tell you how I will reply – you guess – 2 words. It starts and ends with ‘f’.
Kindness. Maybe a little empathy, some compassion sprinkled in. Using soft skills COULD make the difference between someone like me being able to LET GO and move on or breaking into a MESS of pieces. May all our words be tactful, and all our interactions be deliberately charitable.
Oversharing is NOT a trait restricted to Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m pretty sure EVERYONE does it. BPD MAYBE gives me an exaggerated tendency to talk about myself. When I’m uncomfortable, I’m silent. BUT when I loosen up or feel especially daring (or want attention), it’s blah blah blah, BLAH, BLAH – TOO MUCH information. I HAD a friend once who, when I got out of hand, said ‘Nadine – your slip is showing.” You know the HORROR of tucking your skirt in your pantihoes or your slip hanging out from beneath your dress? – THAT’S how she reined me in – by reminding me that I was EMBARRASSING myself.
Back in the day, I drank to curb my social anxiety. It was TOO MUCH and I went way TOO FAR. Luckily, disease forced me to kick that habit. I never used to remember EXACTLY WHAT kind of foolishness I spewed or risky behaviour I’d tried to TEMPORARILY boost my ego. Yes, I’m STILL in therapy.
I don’t show people my underwear or discuss explicit ‘none of your business’ kind of stuff in search of acceptance anymore, but I STILL overshare. After such an episode I PANIC. Did I say TOO much? Will that come back to BITE me? WHY did I say THAT? What’s WRONG with me? CAN I TRUST THIS person or THESE people? For the love of God, NADINE, you KNOW better! I constantly cut myself down in the RAW feeling of the aftermath. I feel like I’ve wounded my very soul.
Yup, I see the irony that this blog is all about me and my inward struggles. Why not find ONE person to talk to rather than telling all to the ether of cyberspace? I don’t know. I’ve got issues and I’m too tired to judge my decisions. It’s also ironic that I’m a minister. I stand in front of my church and am pointed out and asked to say something in social situations SO OFTEN that it’s a wonder I haven’t been locked up.
Finding and nurturing healthy relationships is REALLY REALLY HARD WORK. I turn to things like the internet where I can say the things that I WANT certain people to know without ACTUALLY telling them. I’m in a public job so I can FEEL LIKE I am likable and BELONG even while I’m depressed and lonely.
Sad. I know it. Awareness is everything. I know more today than that kid I was 30 years ago. She was a certifiable MESS who created reasons for friends to disappear. I’m still a mess, but a MATURE one. I know to seek help and I’m learning to notice the people who stick by me even when I am TOO MUCH.
Today, I just want to say THANK YOU – to all the people who are willing to stick around and gently remind people LIKE me when our slip is showing. You are the BEST. Praise to the Lord Almighty! Can I hear an AMEN?
Hey, it’s me. I’ve been in an exhausting battle with my demons for several WEEKS now. I know this might surprise a few of you who know me personally. I’m an AMAZING actress.
It’s hard – life is hard. SO hard. It’s trying to balance plates on your head kind of HARD. Have you seen that? Those talented ones who can catch and hold plates – DOZENS of them- spinning, sliding, almost slipping off, all moving this way and that whilst being expertly balanced on the head of a guy on a unicycle. HARD. Me? ME? I would drop the first plate. NO. I would fall off of the unicycle before the first plate was tossed my way. NO. I’m the plate that was missed and lies shattered on the floor.
Coming up for air in this mess of a world is a REAL struggle. For a few weeks, depression has kept me in its grip – so much so that in actuality it felt like I was on the WRONG end of a telescope – you know – if you put the wrong end to your eye everything looks so, so, SO, very far away instead of magnified. Everything has been out of reach, and all I could do was PRETEND I was really present. Dissociation NUMBS and convinces you that nothing matters. It’s a surreal play, a show that I wade through with big, inappropriately loud laughter, smiles ’til Tuesday, joviality – and the DEEPEST sadness, an empty, LONELY despair of just being.
Alone. I feel ALONE in the midst of lively family chaos. I feel misunderstood. Devalued. Angry. SO ANGRY.
These are my worst demons. Feeling abandoned and alone. Being angry and misunderstood. HATING that I hate myself for HATING myself.
Week upon week. Depression. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps. Keeping up with the flow – because LIFE.
I LOVE my life. My teenage children bring me JOY. Having fun with people, hobbying, caring for my congregation – JOY. Being out in nature, observing the stars – JOY. Caressing the ponies – JOY. My dog is my Bliss. JOY. Yet – YET – yet – depression catches me in its heartless web and convinces me that my joy is NOT real or not DESERVED or is about to END. For me, depression expresses itself as GRIEF. I have been in a suffocating state of mourning.
As the days go by, I am feeling less sad – although anything can SQUASH my progress. I think I can write sermons again – it’s been a disaster for several Sundays – a catastrophic stream of discombobulated words, words to bring love and comfort from the depths of my wounded heart.
If you feel like me, know that I AM rooting for you. TRULY, I am. To everyone else – if you notice us, LOVE us. We need you. Whoever you are, I’m praying for you and for this damnedable world. Mental health is a stepping stone to physical and spiritual wellness. Take GOOD CARE.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? This God is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. This God does not faint or grow weary; with a depth of understanding that is unsearchable. God gives strength to the weary, and empowers the powerless. Even youths will faint and grow weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the everlasting God shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
Isaiah 40:28-31 NRSVUE/The Inclusive Bible
This post comes from the very DEPTH of me during a long stretch of downheartedness, dispiritedness, melancholy. I can’t choose ONE word to describe the experience of depression. Through a list of synonyms, I found the word ‘DISCONSOLATENESS’. It’s about as accurate a word as I can find. Look it up.
EVERYONE needs a point of connection and encouragement especially in times of despondency (another good word). So, that’s where I’ll start. Where do we find support? The Christian bible verse above speaks of ‘waiting’ for the Creator of everything to act. The footnote in my Bible says that waiting for God is a time to nurture hope as we patiently live in expectation. We are empowered by the energy of the Spirit of all things whose resources are inexhaustible. We HOPE. We have FAITH that the Spirit’s STRENGTH is in us. COOL COOL.
Few people are able to structure their work and life load to accommodate the time needed to cycle through depressive episodes. WHEN it happens (because there is no escape) I change my focus from social engagement to paper work. But I can’t avoid EVERYTHING.
During a recent clergy check-in (curiously and unsettlingly for the purpose of connection and encouragement), our Bishop asked us to share how WE practice thanksgiving. My knee jerk reaction was PANIC. I wanted to say, ‘NOPE. I DON’T. I DON’T GIVE THANKS’. Not a very pastor-like response. I was relieved that a few colleagues answered the question BEFORE it landed on me.
Do YOU feel like giving thanks? Do YOU have a regular ritual or an intentional behaviour to help you find and name joy in your hectic life? I didn’t THINK I did. What I learned from this exercise is that I tend to NAVEL GAZE when my life is hard (This is NOT limited to my times of depression). We all get caught up in our lack of time, lack of support, lack of energy, lack of money. YUP. That last one is a real BUGGER. We work and work and WORK and never seem to get a leg up on our bills. It’s SO hard to appreciate what we have when we are focusing on what we want but can’t possibly afford. TRAVEL. EXTENDED and EXCITING VACATIONS. NEW GADGETS. BETTER FOOD. A NEW HOUSE. MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS that doesn’t COST US. (By the way, NOT ONE of these things CURE depression).
I’m not looking for a cure anymore. Finding Ways to COPE with depression is a much more reachable goal.
While I was neck deep in my personal pool of despair, a friend invited me to her property for a silent retreat, one I’d done before when I was LESS overcome. She creates an experience of SELF in relation to our 5 senses – smell, touch, sight, sound, and taste. I was RELUCTANT, but I’m ridiculously polite.
What follows are my notes as I walked and rested on her property on the coast of Lake Huron in Southwestern Ontario, Canada. I share them so that you can observe my journey in that little BLIP of time and glean the natural wisdom that continues to feed my soul even as I stand, not cured but certainly feeling a sense of healing, even if only in passing.
A chickadee perches on a branch just next to me calling ‘chicka-dee-dee-dee’. I’m of no concern as the little bird carries on with it’s flittering from branch to branch, making happy melody with the sound of the babbling fountain in front of me. Beautifully SMOOTH rocks, weathered by water surround the five tier water feature. Two rocks stand out. Words have been carefully etched into their surface. ‘TIME HEALS’ says one, and ‘DREAM”. As I sit here in the cool breeze off the lake, I feel these words deeply. I can SMELL the CLEANSING coming, almost tangible as I run my toe over the cold stones.
Bubbles are cheerful, aren’t they? These come from the falling water dipping deeply into the basin, pushing bubbles up from below. Each one like cells dividing. Like NEW birth.
Breathe in. Center. Nature is healing. It welcomes me. I am one with nature.
Fall is coming. The air tells the secret – the leaves of the maples are dusted with hints of yellow and red. Fall – hibernation – DEATH – sleep before WAKING. Necessities of healing. Time passing. New ways always moving FORWARD. The rythmn of it so soothing.
I feel the chill from Lake Huron beside me and wrap my sweater around myself. It feels good- the BRISK air. The changing of seasons is invigorating. To think all life began in this world from water. Our life force, powerful, TEMPERAMENTAL. Our bodies imitate this movement through TURBULENCE and TRANQUILITY. Perhaps this is what makes the sound and smell of water so inviting.
I am blessed to have a friend, a kindred, who welcomes me through her gate into this sanctuary, a place so FULL of beauty and living things.
I see a hummingbird, just now – moving from a shrub to perch in a pine tree beside me – then down in a BLINK – hovering in front of me before disappearing. A gift from above. A reminder to pay attention. Beauty is everywhere – even when we fail to see it.
And I move on. This retreat is for the senses. A wasp is enjoying the driftwood along the path. I find small apples strewn, fallen from way up, UP – a large tree their mother who releases them to nourish the squirrels, the land – her gift to the dance of WILD living. The wonder of trees – their intricate system of roots, flesh, and bark. Home to and, giver of life, food, shelter, grace. Shade from the heat, refuge from the storm. Beautiful. Even their STUMPS are full of PROVISION.
The abundance of rocks lining the fence and around the trees hearken to THOUSANDS of years of history – to be a delight for MY eyes today. My friend has made this natural place into a place touched by humanity with ART. Stacked stones, sculpture, plants, feeders, chipped wood. A seat to sit on whenever REST beckons. With my back to the lake I hear the waves in their hypnotic lapping against the shore. Sun glimmers through tree leaves.
An assortment of fall foliage – orange berries, red ones too, on a tree, leafy plants, pink flowers and white. The anxiety of the day fades.
I’m sipping on homemade iced tea. It feels so true to the INTENT of the lake. I’m looking at it now, the grey blue waves against an overcast sky with hints of sun. Gulls skimming the water. The breeze is COLD. It gives me goosebumps on my bare legs – but my sweater is WARM. I could sit here forever. Sounds of a lawnmower, people hooting, a dog barking, remind me how we share this planet. we are NEVER truly alone.
I find myself at the corner of the property – a DROP-OFF to the beach – a cliff. I stand above the beach like a towering oak. The waves foam over the pebbles and sand. The steepness of the craggy hill holds cedar, sumac, goldenrod, and green stuff I can’t identify. A monarch LEVITATES between me and the water – as if an eagle. As if RESURRECTED. If only we could experience such peace in every moment.
My friend has soothing instrumental music playing inside as I sit on the deck – admiring the yard and view in its entirety. How precious is life. Wind chimes and a small water feature – 3 bowls that look like carved rock, gently streams. I marvel at the BALANCE of it all. Humans can live more gently, more respectfully on the earth. What are we as CREATURES? What is our natural, INTENDED way? How did we get here?
Now I find some things to WAKE up my taste buds. Crunchy peas, dried? A hint of salt. Very pleasing.
The rose bush and the yellow daisies look so JoYFUL. The sun is so WARM. Is that a walnut sapling? Ooooo! ACORNS!!
Crisp and sour lemon slices. The taste is fitting of the environment of THIS day. GOODNESS. Mmmm, and sweet sweet chocolate. Such a REWARD!
Another humming bird – this time at the roses. I feel SO MUCH GRATITUDE.
What of my answer to the bishop’s question? How do I practice THANKSGIVING.
With my SENSES. I SEE the water in flowing fountains, the mighty waves on the lake, the river rock. I study each tree, each leaf, each flower. I watch the hummingbirds, the insects, the chipmunks and birds over head. I HEAR the water trickling, the water pounding, the bird song, the signs of life all around me. I SMELL the water, the mulch, the flowers, the chocolate. I TOUCH the river rocks, the wood chips, and feel my barefeet in the grass. I TASTE the lemon, the candy, my breath – and always a hint of the lake water.
God’s way includes SENSORY experiences that wake us up. That remind us of our intrinsic WORTH and holiness. EVEN in our despair. Healing doesn’t mean curing. Wounds can reopen, fester. Time is a balm but the hollow grief never leaves. We learn to COPE – we learn to walk. Time allows reflection, to look back and to learn. Time points toward the possibility of HOPE and goodness.
When asked, I mumbled something about nature and my DOG. But there’s more. I remember my SMALLNESS. I notice small kindnesses from OTHERS. I notice the joy of others and PRACTICE being glad FOR them because we are connected. We are one.
I praise the Spirit within me, the Creator of everything for all the beauty in this world and recognize with thanksgiving that each life, each molecule, each good thing is an EXPRESSION of God’s love.
Am I depressed? YES.
Am I sad? YES.
Am I hurting? Sometimes, YES.
When I fall into the DROP-OFF, can I draw on the inexhaustible strength of the Spirit and WAIT for the HOPE of the hummingbird and the Resurrection promise seen in the butterfly? ALSO, YES.
“Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another.”
Romans 14:13 NRSV Bible
Yesterday morning I chased after my cat yelling, “WAIT, IT’s ALIVE!” The tiny victim of her recent hunting was still literally kicking before I aided its dispatch and put it out into the flower bed. Now, you probably have an opinion about allowing pet cats outdoors. Domestic cats don’t disturb the natural order of things when they are kept INSIDE. I’m of a mind now, that perhaps humankind was cruel to adopt anything wild as a pet in the first place.
Life confined indoors certainly does NOT suit my cat and keeping her indoors ALL the time certainly does NOT suit me. Letting her out has saved me years of her relentless spraying. As a youngster, she ruined everything from our shoes to the kids’ stuffed toys. I spent time cleaning up after her with alcohol or vinegar and a variety of deterrents, but NO, that DID NOT stop her. I carefully followed instructions about where to locate and how often to clean her litter but she didn’t follow the RULES. Besides the filthy mess, Daisy was destroying all of our wooden and upholstered furniture with her claws. (I’m AGAINST declawing, by the way.) I’m MUCH happier seeing her use the clothesline post to sharpen her nails rather than my chair!
As a last resort, our veterinarian TOLD US, “for the love of all that is good, LET THAT CAT OUTSIDE!” And so we did and, she continues to do some nasty, wild, catty things indoors but letting her out LESSENS the impact inside. She Does bring in her catches from time to time, but I’m okay with this compromise.
Does everyone agree with my decision? NO, and I don’t expect you to. I know that in some places cats are forbidden by law to be outside and for good reason. Perhaps I should NOT HAVE a cat since I’m not willing to accept whatever sacrifices that means for my household. But I do. I DO have a cat. And SINCE I have a cat, I have decisions to make and those decisions will NOT necessarily jive with YOUR decisions and opinions. Are you going to chastise me? Maybe. Surely someone will pass negative judgment on me. Unfriend me. CANCEL ME.
Whether or not I should let my cat outdoors is MY decision and dependent upon MY personal, unique set of circumstances. I understand the risk and the cons for myself and OTHERS. God, the Higher Power, the Source of everything, KNOWS what I am up to and I’ve made my peace with that. I am prepared to answer to God, the Eternal One, for how I’ve chosen to accommodate my cat into MY life.
This sounds RIDICULOUSLY trivial, doesn’t it? Personally held opinions can SO easily become obstacles that STOP us from getting along. We easily cast judgment on anything or anyone that doesn’t match up with our OWN views. Even faith practices are not left untouched. In Christian scriptures we can read a letter from Paul (a prominent Jewish Christian around 30 years after Jesus) written to a mixed Roman/Jewish church in Rome which shows that the faithful followers of Jesus engaged in HEATED arguments about what they ATE and which days they marked as HOLY. It’s clear that it has ALWAYS been very hard NOT to pass judgment. So, how do we STOP bickering about personal preferences and focus instead on WORKING TOGETHER to help each other steer away from moral failure?
MORAL FAILURE, that’s right. Moral failure is a scary idea, isn’t it? To live JUSTLY with one another, it’s necessary to be mindful of what we, ETHICALLY, are WILLING to NEGOTIATE. Sometimes it isn’t possible for us to flourish with others because, well – sometimes we hurt each other in ways that are DIFFICULT, if not IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile. It is helpful to remember that at our CORE we are the same. We come from the same Source. Christians maintain that we are created in God’s image and are loved EQUALLY by the Creator of Everything with NO exception.
Across many faiths, WISDOM invites us to LOVE and pray for our enemies and those who hate and persecute us. White supremacy, hate speech and hateful actions, racism – these are CHOICES beyond what those who follow the way of love are WILLING to negotiate. These sins, these immoralities, are UNDENIABLE. These hurtful actions and abuses of power NEED to be dealt with. The community of love NEEDS to call out and expose these destructive lies and those who continue to accept and perpetuate them.
In the ETERNAL realm of love, the wrongdoer still needs to be held ACCOUNTABLE. When we are living in LOVE, forgiveness isn’t necessarily FAIR or DESERVED. Can you imagine if it was? I hope the Great Creator is NOT modeling divine forgiveness on human choices. I believe that the DIVINE invites US to forgive others out of deep, enduring LOVE – over and over and over to infinity and beyond.
It’s important to note that reconciliation requires BOTH the offer of forgiveness and the NAMING and acceptance of RESPONSIBILITY for wrongful, hurtful, or abusive behaviour. Biblically speaking, our moral model is Jesus who is always showing us how to prioritize GRACE and MERCY as well as ACCOUNTABILITY to one another and to our Source, to God. Jesus tells us to forgive our neighbours from our HEARTS.
Whenever an issue of the heart arises I put on my SOUL glasses. Through these lenses – the view of eternity is clear. My inner spirit says, “Hey, Nadine, NO ONE is perfect.” It’s true, isn’t it? I don’t know WHY this is true or WHY it is so comforting- but IT IS. We all fall short, some fall further and harder than others. But my heart always reminds me about grace. The Eternal Wisdom Keeper who dwells in us, through us and with us IS MERCIFUL. It’s time to stop keeping a tally of how much or how many wrongs you, yourself have already forgiven. Love and compassionate mercy are the character of our Creator. As REFLECTIONS of our GOOD SOURCE, we are invited to reciprocate – by loving and forgiving and keeping JUSTICE in our communities of faith and in the world.
Just so you know, I forgive my cat. She’s just being a CAT. I feel bad for the mice, I really do. They are tiny and adorable innocents. Creatures of the Creator. I also forgive myself for making a decision in favour of MY own comfort. You know what – it’s okay. Nobody is perfect. This is the driving fact behind our ABILITY to forgive each other. We make selfish, messy and complicated decisions that are not always ideal. In quick order, we tear ourselves down and we puff ourselves up in judgy self-righteousness.
But when we CHOOSE to walk in the Spirit of love, it means that we let go of our insistence on being right and dedicate ourselves to making ROOM at the table. We can WELCOME ALL people, as we have been welcomed and encourage ALL to celebrate and give thanks to our Maker in their OWN Spirit-inspired creativity, and DIVERSITY. We CHOOSE to love one another. We CHOOSE to work toward healing relationships. We CHOOSE to move toward a beautiful, indescribable UNITY of the physical, spiritual, and communal realm of LOVE that is available to us right now in part, and will one day come in the true fullness of eternity. We can embrace the way of LOVE, everyday.
We can bless our decisions to MAKE them the RIGHT decisions for ourselves by committing them to the Creator. In terms of our multi-faith reality, our varied practices, however grand or routine, are done for the SAME PURPOSE. The motives are the same. We do what we do because we believe it is the right thing to do in order to HONOUR the ONE who made us, sustains us and loves us. If this is GOOD ENOUGH for the Divine, then why can’t everyone be accepted as ENOUGH and GOOD?
Whenever we let go of the hate, the desire for revenge, anger, and retribution – EVEN WHEN it is completely understandable to FEEL and WANT these things, we take a chance that there is a POSSIBILITY for a wonderfully RENEWED relationship or a RELEASE from the oppression of anger and resentment that BINDS us. Either way, we are loved and we are FREE to love. The rhythm of the universe and the light in our hearts work together to SHINE an eternal energy of LOVE and connection day by day and age after age. SHINE ON.
“Forgiveness is a powerful expression of the love within our soul.”
Well, maybe you haven’t heard (why would you?) but it’s true. I have lived exactly FIVE decades plus one year. Today, I am 51. According to the mostly white-haired congregation I serve, I’m still a BABY. They’re right, of course. BUT, this year, I am more aware and feel a little unsettled knowing that I’m closer to being a SENIOR than I am to my YOUTH. It means my parents are actually old and my children are almost grown. (But not yet!)
It’s okay, though, really. A few of my dearest friends have at LEAST a decade on me. Some even have decadeS – PLURAL. Not everyone is so lucky. Aging is a gift. If we are willing, it gives us more time to learn HOW to love. To LEARN to be ourselves.
Since I’m (a bit) of a Bible nerd, I can pair this thought with an appropriate verse. I’m not a fan of cherry-picking Bible verses to prove a point. HOWEVER, I love the Psalms, and this particular verse just happens to bring comfort to my personal struggle with time FLEETING away.
So teach us to count our days that we may gain a wise heart.
Psalm 90:12
Moses (yes, THE MOSES who parts the Red Sea) is the ascribed author. He is PROBABLY inspired while leading a caravan of Israelites through the desert to the promised land (Canaan – roughly modern day Palestine and Israel) AFTER being liberated from CENTURIES of slavery in Egypt. The people have grown restless and distracted. Like PETULANT toddlers, Moses can’t stop them from getting into trouble. For instance, when he turns his back (to receive the 10 Commandments – no less) their babysitter (Aaron) CAN’T keep them from being consumed by sin. They make and begin worshiping a golden calf. Pesky buggers. Their repeated rebellion against Moses and their lack of trust in his and their God added years, GENERATIONS, to their time of wandering. Different people from those who BEGAN the journey actually FINISHED it. The old people died. Babies were born. An altogether NEW people emerged.
This Psalm is for them and for anyone who is tired and restless like you and me. Old Moses reminds us that the one he, I, and many call GOD and just as many describe as our one SOURCE, The CREATOR, the GREAT SPIRIT, is ETERNAL. God is beyond time and the universe; our Source has no origin or creation. The Creator, the Great Spirit simply “IS.” Human beings, on the other hand, die and return to the dust from which they are made (Psalm 90:1–4). (Even Moses didn’t make it to the promised land on earth). To begin to understand our Source is to realize our own MORTALITY.
Moses introduces God as both a refuge and the Creator for we – whose days are numbered.
If I count my days, it has been 18627 days since my birth. I feel that in this time, I’ve SURELY accumulated SOME wisdom. My heart is informed by many instances of joy and pain. It’s brought me this far. I’m still learning and relearning, uncovering and embracing my TRUEST me. Sounds easy enough. Nope. Not easy.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried or that I’m ready for tomorrow. I AM worried and I’m NOT ready. I admit that this is NOT where I thought I’d be at 51. Life takes us through so many unforeseeable twists and turns, doesn’t it? What I expected of myself and where I’m at simply DON’T match up.
By 51 I had thought that I’d be out of debt and own a house, that my family and I would be healthy and well adjusted, that I’d always get along with my husband, enjoy my work, have time for fun, and that I’d be a ROCK STAR. Alas, it is not so.
It’s OKAY. Although it is super hard to stop beating ourselves up about the way things ARE, the gift of GROWING wisdom is always there. Waiting. Ready for us. Life is beautiful. Some of that beauty comes from recognizing that it is REALLY SHORT. Because of this, we are more apt to savour the moments we share and make the best of our relationships. LOVE through the pain. Find STRENGTH in the joy.
This week, I’ve been setting up an RDSP (disability savings) for my 19 year old daughter. I never dreamed I’d make retirement plans for one of my children. Yesterday (it feels like only yesterday) when she was free to swirl and twirl with ferocity and creativity, we loved her spunk and assumed she’d grow out of her more troublesome emotional and mental conditions. We THOUGHT we had all the time in the world. We love her quirkiness. Now we understand that there is more to it than expected. It’s all a part of how she is wonderfully and mysteriously made and LOVED. We don’t know what her life will be like when she is sixty, but there is comfort in knowing she’ll ALWAYS have her siblings and have a modest income EVEN when I’m long gone.
I like to think I won’t be gone. Not REALLY. I hope that the energy that animates my body, the vibrations of my soul will LINGER – perhaps as electricity and spirit. ‘Is that light bulb flickering, or is it auntie so and so?’ I don’t know, but I do believe in the connection the living and the dead SHARE in what Christians call the Communion of Saints. Others may be familiar with the phrase, ‘the great cloud of witnesses’. Different faiths turn to the spirits of their ancestors for wisdom and guidance. Somehow, we continue to EXIST and experience each other’s presence in life and in death. Signs, dreams, and feelings that loved ones are near are common across the boundaries of time and space.
It makes me think of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio (Rose & Jack) in the movie ‘Titanic’ and Celine Dione’s sappy song, “My heart will go on”. Our time as human beings is limited. Our hearts/souls/godsparks WILL GO ON. It makes me weep and smile at the same time. What we do in this life is temporary. We have ETERNITY to figure things out together. We are NEVER alone.
51 years is pretty cool. I’ll take it. Today and every day, I hope you will join me in counting our blessings as well as our days. Learn, grow, LIVE. Embrace the season. Time will hold us. Our hearts belong to the ETERNAL ONE.
God has made everything beautiful in its time. God has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Nuanced Niddy 